I’ve spent most of my life trying to please everyone around me. Never being allowed to really figure out what it is that would make ME happy. As an adult, I honestly never really gave myself a chance. I was hoping for some back up or support from my “loved ones” and was shot down every time. I was told my ideas were stupid, was questioned about my motivations and spent more time changing for them, then getting honest with myself.
In my late 30’s I finally started to try to get deep into my own desires, and tried to figure out what I could do…or really wanted to do. It’s hard when you spend your life being told that you can’t make a decent decision even when you are making them on a regular basis. There is the occasional pat on the head, but no one really cheering for you and your accomplishments. I was cheering for myself but, on the inside, because I didn’t want to ruffle any feathers.
At 40, when I was on my own, it seemed like making those decisions would be easy. It hasn’t been. I’ve been blocked for such a long time, it’s been hard to open myself up to my own potential. I find that I keep following the same old patterns…only this time I have only myself to blame for being knocked down. That little voice of doubt keeps popping up in my head telling me that my ideas for making my life better are just pipe dreams. Wishful thinking…not based on reality. Not based on my own qualifications.
I can tell myself over and over and over, that I am good enough, and that I am capable. Unless I start taking some real action, nothing good is ever going to come of it. Ideas are not anything until action on those ideas is in play. Let me tell you…it’s been hard. However, I am not giving up. The only way I will be able to break those patterns and quiet those old voices, is to take a leap of faith. Will I succeed? Probably, but it’s going to take time. I have to be my own champion in order for this to work…and that means busting through those barriers that have taken a lifetime to find secure footing, and bust through them, bit by bit.
It is possible….even for someone in their 40’s. Even for you…no matter where you are or where you came from, it is possible to start building new and better forces within yourself, while tearing down the old destructive ones. Practice. Patience. Perseverance. These are the keys to rebuilding yourself as you see you, and not as someone else sees you.
I am reminded over and over, through every daily activity, that I am on the right track. The thing is that I have to be willing to trust that, have some faith in myself, and in the process, that things will be what I hope for them to be…if I just keep moving forward. Ideally, it would have been nice to have had all this enlightenment when I was in my 20’s or even my 30’s. Certainly there were many times that life could have been easier to take some chances…but the truth is, THIS is where I am. I cannot turn back. There is no other starting place for me but right here and right now. I can play the “if only…” game in my head all I want, it does not change my current situation. I cannot go back in time, and make another choice. Right now is what I am given and right now is all I have.
No one said life would be easy, they promised it would be worth it.