Last Friday I had myself a bit of a breakdown. It was one of those curling up on the floor, ugly cry, mascara running down my face can hardly breath breakdowns. All I can say is…it was about time.
I try to hard to stay strong. I try to hard to prove to myself I’m in control, I know what I’m doing…”I got this” mentality. The truth is, sometimes I don’t. Sometimes all I’m doing is ignoring the obvious. Masking the truth of what’s really going on inside and what I’m NOT doing, instead of what I am doing.
This was that moment. I got real with myself. I woke up to the reality of what I was really doing with my life, and I didn’t like it one fucking bit. As with most moments like this one…the breakdown lead to a revelation. I took a good hard look at myself, and admitted I was doing nothing…absolutely nothing, but existing. I wasn’t being good to myself, I wasn’t being good to my kids, I wasn’t being good to my home.
I think the way I put it was that I was neglecting everything! I was whining about my giggly belly and thighs, but I wasn’t exercising or eating right. I was complaining about the kids not doing good in school, not being respectful not helping out, but I wasn’t really getting involved with them either. I complained about the messy house, Christmas stuff still out the 2nd week of February…and yet, I wasn’t really doing anything about it except complaining.
Funny thing about complaining…it really doesn’t get stuff done. I found myself spending way to much time watching mindless tv or cruising the web. I was doing exactly the opposite of what I believe. I was hiding. From myself. Not much of a role model for anyone. Not even for myself.
Revelation! Get off your fucking lazy ass and do what you know you CAN do!! My mind became so completely focused on what I needed to do. Almost immediately I came up with a 6 week plan. Why 6 weeks? Because it’s do’able. I can do anything for 6 weeks and not get so completely overwhelmed at the idea of 6 months or a year. First thing I did was text my trainer and asked her to take me on 3 days a week, for 6 weeks, she said “absolutely”. Then I texted my friend and told her…I need some accountability. I need someone to know what I”m doing and help put me back on track when I start to falter…cause I will. Then I made my plan.
Everyone in bed by 9pm
3 days a week workout
Taking the kids with me once a week.
Plan dinner…teach kids to help get things started before you get home from work.
Yoga…instead of tv.
Keeping the kids accountable for their own actions.
It’s a start…but it’s a start in the right direction. 6 weeks from now it will be the first week of April. I’m excited by the possibilities that await me. I have to be the one to take the action. It is up to me and me alone…no one else is going to do it, even if you ask them to help. Ultimately you have to be in charge of you. I think I’ve said this before…if not, I will be saying it again. No one is responsible for your success or your failure but you.
Anyway, as I write this I’ve already falling off course…but not too far. I got sick yesterday, so I missed my workout. Woke up today with a fever and a headache…dammit. I forced myself into the kitchen where I ate some oatmeal and coffee…headache went away. I looked around at the mess and decided to crawl back into bed. Then I mentally smacked myself and said…NOT THIS TIME!!!
Just start…do something. I’m going to log my journey and hope to not only inspire someone else, but keep myself inspired by the truth…that I am capable of doing better. I have the power!! Haha…totally heard the roaring echo of that statement in my head.
Not this time…I will not give up on myself this time.