I’ve been having a lot of internal conversations with my ex husband and my mother lately. It’s been driving me a little crazy. For the life of me I just couldn’t figure out why I was constantly going over and over the same conversation in my head. I know, no matter what I say…it is just not going to make a difference even if I was actually able to have this conversation with them in person. Over and over they kept replaying.
While talking it over with my friend… I realized that in recent weeks, the idea of healing broken relationships had come up. Still…I am aware, these broken relationships are not in the state they are because I didn’t try hard enough. They are broken because I made a decision about how I wanted to live my life, and for their own reasons, they do not agree. More so…they were the two people hurt most by my decision. While talking I began to see more in depth my own hurt feelings. The internal conversation all come down to explaining my own reasons…and wanting MY feelings to be validated.
I made choices that were right…for me. There is not a single bit of regret in making these choices. In some way, it was right for them too, even if they can’t see it. However, the truth is I hurt these two important people in my life, and that was in no way my intention. There is still a part of me that wishes they could understand…more so, that they could just accept that I needed to make these choices. It was for my own well being…I could no longer live the way I had, and stay sane. LOGICALLY…I know that there is nothing I can say, that will make a difference in how they feel about me. Still, I hurt for them. I’m sorry they were hurt. I would like nothing more than to bring them both some peace.
In a way…I guess I really just wish they could forgive me. Even if they don’t completely understand…Even if they don’t like it. Forgiveness is what I yearn for the most. I won’t get it. The pain they feel runs deep, and I am completely aware of that. They both feel betrayed by me and my choices…Still, it hurts me, to know how much I hurt them.
I must accept. That is all I can do…Nothing I can do to change them. I can only accept, and forgive myself.