I’ve been having a lot of internal conversations with my ex husband and my mother lately.  It’s been driving me a little crazy.  For the life of me I just couldn’t figure out why I was constantly going over and over the same conversation in my head.  I know, no matter what I say…it is just not going to make a difference even if I was actually able to have this conversation with them in person.  Over and over they kept replaying.

While talking it over with my friend… I realized that in recent weeks, the idea of healing broken relationships had come up.  Still…I am aware, these broken relationships are not in the state they are because I didn’t try hard enough.  They are broken because I made a decision about how I wanted to live my life, and for their own reasons, they do not agree.  More so…they were the two people hurt most by my decision.  While talking I began to see more in depth my own hurt feelings.  The internal conversation all come down to explaining my own reasons…and wanting MY feelings to be validated.

I made choices that were right…for me.  There is not a single bit of regret in making these choices.  In some way, it was right for them too, even if they can’t see it.  However, the truth is I hurt these two important people in my life, and that was in no way my intention.  There is still a part of me that wishes they could understand…more so, that they could just accept that I needed to make these choices.  It was for my own well being…I could no longer live the way I had, and stay sane.  LOGICALLY…I know that there is nothing I can say, that will make a difference in how they feel about me.  Still, I hurt for them.  I’m sorry they were hurt.  I would like nothing more than to bring them both some peace.

In a way…I guess I really just wish they could forgive me.  Even if they don’t completely understand…Even if they don’t like it.  Forgiveness is what I yearn for the most.  I won’t get it.  The pain they feel runs deep, and I am completely aware of that.  They both feel betrayed by me and my choices…Still, it hurts me, to know how much I hurt them.

I must accept.  That is all I can do…Nothing I can do to change them.  I can only accept, and forgive myself.


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