The thing about ripping your family apart and divorcing your partner is that afterwards…you hope that you both can learn something. You hope that you learn not to make the same mistakes. You hope your partner doesn’t make the same mistakes. What you really need to learn is that you are responsible for YOU and you alone…whether or not your partner learns something is not your responsibility and you need to let go.
I know…I’ve learned a lot. I know for sure I won’t make the same mistakes I made in the past…although I’m sure I’ll make some new ones. What I don’t know…is if he has learned anything or not. I know he is not my responsibility, but the fact is I care a great deal for this man, and I ultimately want him to be happy. Not my responsibility. Still…I wonder.
MY personal feelings about life after divorce is that you need to have some time alone. You need some time to get your own shit together…work through the pain of it, and spend some quality time with your children. At some point, you will add another person into the mix…and I think it’s important that you make sure you’ve healed before you do that.
One of (in my opinion) biggest problems my ex has was his need to say “yes” to everyone and everything. He didn’t say yes cause he really wanted to help…he did it because he didn’t want to look like an asshole. He would bitch to me about having to do all this shit…sometimes taking entire weekends to help out someone else…while his family spent that time away from him. He would complain that people were always asking him to do shit…but never said “no”. I would tell him that he COULD say no…but he rarely did. Of course, he had no problem blowing off my requests…. When he needed to do something…he wouldn’t ask for help, not even from me (except when it came to moving heavy furniture…that he would need me for)…and sometimes I would force him to accept MY help. Pissed because he “had” to help someone else…pissed because he “had” to do shit without help.
Since the divorce my ex has spent a lot of time with a woman…a woman he told me his in NOT attracted too. However, they spend ALLOT of time together. He’s doing things to help her out, her family out. She comes over on the weekends the kids are there…goes to his parents house to go snowmobiling…among other things. I am NOT opposed to him spending time with her…or any other woman for that matter. As a matter of fact, in the beginning I was all for the weekend outings to her bothers cabin, trips to the Dells so forth, because I know that he would not plan stuff like that on his own. I feared he would spend his time sulking at home. The only problem I have is that this woman leaves him no time to spend with his kids…alone. She’s there all the time. My feelings are that SHE is doing all the inviting, and he is following old patterns and doesn’t want to look like an asshole and just say no.
One time she asked me if my son would like to go with her and her son to some Medieval times thing…I said sure. Next thing I know my ex is telling me she called him and said she had tickets for him and the girl too! He said he didn’t want to go…not into that. He went. Sigh. Someday he’s going to meet a woman he’s interested in ( I hope)…what then? He’s going to go from one broken relationship, to one all consuming fill in…to what??? Where is the time to reflect? Where is the time to really get to know your kids? Where is the….I know I know IT’S NON OF MY BUSINESS….but like I said, I care.
I would say something…but I know he’s not interested in my opinion. Why would he be. I need to let go. I know that. Still…it kind of bugs me. I’ve always know she was interested in him…there is a part of me that feels he’s being manipulated…yet I know he’s a grown man, and if he doesn’t want to do something, he can speak up for himself. There is also a part of me that wants someone else to see that he really can be an asshole…however it seems that is still something he only wants to share with me. Lucky me. I used to tell him the only reason he stayed married to me was cause he didn’t have the balls to speak up…maybe he’s doing the same thing now. Maybe he’s not. Bottom line…it’s not my responsibility and it’s not my business.
It’s time for me to let it go.