I recently went back to my old blog to revisit where I was two years ago. I’ve come a long way since then. There is some comfort in knowing that…but I needed a little reminder of how I got here.
Remembering how it felt keeps me going forward. Knowing how much it hurt, reminding myself of why I made the choices I did.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
I feel like I’m trying to balance my emotions from one moment to the next. I spent the first 10 days or so, crying all the time…Doing whatever it took to not cry in front of the kids. They need to see I’m hurting…that this situation isn’t and easy fix…but they do not need to see me lose it. Sometimes, it’s a full body, ugly cry. I’m getting better…but then again, things have only just begun. Today, I want to cry. Problem is, I’m not really sure what exactly I’m hurting for.
Last night my husband came up to talk. He’s uncomfortable, and doesn’t know how to talk to me. I tried to explain that nothing much should change about the way we talk to each other…We have been living like friends, or roommates, with the occasional request for sex, for years…So, the only thing that should really be different, is the sex request. Right? Maybe I’m oversimplifying…Maybe I’m just trying to detach myself from the last 17 years of my life. I don’t really have a definitive answer…I just know that I don’t really think it should be that difficult. If we were talking about dating…THAT would be uncomfortable.
He’s angry. Not at me, but at what happened. He’s frustrated that I seem to be moving forward a lot easier that he is. For me, making the decision, was something that was a long time coming. For me, it was a relief. Unfortunately, for him, he had finally come to the decision to do what ever he need to make it work. Bad timing…I am confident I am making the right decision. I am standing tall and standing firm…although it feels like I’m just balancing on shaky ground. Surely that will ease up a bit.
His concerns for the future…his worries, are NOT mine. There are things he would like me to do, or maybe say, to make him feel better…I can’t. That’s not my job anymore. I know everything will be ok…I know it. I am doing what I need to do to move ahead, to stay strong, to keep my kids on the right track. That is enough for now. I cannot, and do not want to take on his fears. But…I sympathize…should I try to make him feel better??? If I do, how will he ever learn to rely on himself….to gain some faith, and practice patience and acceptance.
There are moments though…I think how nice it would be to have a distraction. Something or someone who could take me out of this, even for just a moment…I will admit, that the desire to have a lover…someone to turn to…to step out of this frustration and into some peace and pleasure…has been something that has crossed my mind on more than one occasion. Unfortunately or fortunately there is no one. Fate is forcing me to face my situation without distraction. I can only hope that by doing so, I will be open to a much more gratifying relationship in the future. That which does not kill us makes us stronger. I have no choice but to come out of this stronger…with the satisfaction of knowing I did it on my own (as it were) with my head held high.
Today I wondered…is it better to just let the tear flow…or hold them back. Is there any benefit to following either path…I feel the tears are there, and yet, they don’t flow freely…Does this mean that I am getting stronger, or am I denying myself the grief. What exactly am I grieving? Where do I focus? What do I need to let go of first? What do I need to hang on to? If I fall…what happens?