Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Divorce has been a common theme in my life. My parents, my mom 2 more times, my father another time…My paternal grandparents were even both divorced. It’s not something I’ve really given to much time to…I always sort of felt like divorce wasn’t so bad. To me, when people don’t get along or don’t love each other…that’s what happens. Most people just move on with their lives…
My parents divorced when I was only 2 or 3…My father wasn’t a part of my life after that. I seemed to turn out ok…I think. My mom married shortly after, then divorced again shortly after that…For many years it was just me and my mom…I don’t really remember ever thinking much about it. For me, life without a father, was just my normal…
When I married my husband, divorce was NOT something I ever thought would happen. I had dated other men, or I should actually say boys, cause I was ONLY 20 when I met him, so that didn’t leave room for a lot of MEN. I had dated a variety some good, some bad, some damaged…The man who would be my husband was very level headed, practical, responsible…and at times, a little fun. I will admit, I latched on, and didn’t let go, cause you just never know when you’ll find another good one…and I certainly didn’t want another rotten one.
We dated a few months, lived together a few months and then got engaged. We adopted a kitten, bought a house and got married…Life was just the way it was supposed to be…Perfect! Except, that it wasn’t always perfect…and somewhere in the first 3 years, the word divorce was tossed out…NOT by me…I was hurt and scared and couldn’t imagine it. We reconciled, bought a bigger house, had a baby…had another baby…and life went on.
Unfortunately, there are no rule books to life…and love…and marriage. You have your standard guidelines, like no cheating, but the rest of the emotional stuff, you’re on your own. You do your best…you way the pros and cons, you think Love is enough to get you through….BUT, if you are not careful…you will lose yourself.
We did our best. Well we did what we thought was our best. I think when we look back, we realize that maybe, sometimes, we could have really done better. There’s a song going around in my head “we did our best but I guess our best wasn’t good enough…”. Were we to young, were we too different, were we too damaged by our own families…Who knows. We both have some pretty messed up families…Unfortunately, sometimes things just don’t work…sometimes Love just is not enough. Love sometimes means letting go, and moving on.
I haven’t really spoken to anyone here about it. I’m still wrapping my head around what’s happening…I’m scared…relieved…sad…and sometimes hopeful. I did NOT want this to happen. Still, I can say that I know it HAS to happen. We cannot keep living like we are. We are not screaming, there is no hatred, no dishonesty…there is just no more Us.
Deep Breath. Exhale.
Soon, family and friends will all know. Soon we will have to sit down with the kids and tell them something…what exactly that is, I’m not sure. There’s the business to take care of, who gets what, when to do this or that…how are we going to manage…I believe, in my very core, that everything will be ok. I believe that we are doing the right thing for ourselves and our children. I believe that life will be better…someday soon.
I am letting go of a man that I love…a man that my children love…because sometimes, Love is just not enough.