Realizing how much it still hurts

Since I’ve gone back to re read some of my old blog posts…I realize there is so much the still gives me pain.  Remembering where I was, and where I am not brings me comfort…but there is still some residual hurt in there too.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Not following through…
Not to long ago, I made a vow to get out of my dump, and bring back a little bit of joy…So what did I do to make that happen? Nothing. Nada. Zilch.
The other day it occurred to me that I was just sitting around feeling sorry for myself and hoping that my mood would change. Um…really?? I don’t know why I thought that would work…just wishing myself happy hasn’t really ever worked before. What I needed to do was inject some more positivity into my life…Do what I did before that changed my life, and my outlook, around.
I borrowed some books from the library…but that just wasn’t doing it for me. I was still sulking round…Then I fell and sprained my ankle…REALLY bad…My husband took the day off of work to take me to the Dr. (this is NOT his normal routine). It wasn’t broken, but I was instructed to stay off of it for 1-2 weeks…Ugh. I got some crutches, but really, who wants to use crutches to go to the bathroom…and you can’t use them when you get something to eat, or drink….Cause there was no one gonna be taking care of me all day long…

Hubs and the kids did a pretty good job…They tried…but stuff wasn’t getting done…and every time I tried to say something…I got the “I’m doing the best I can!!!!”…so on day 5, I had enough of sitting on my ass…so I started doing some stuff. LONG story short…I’m going into week 3 and it still hurts…I can do more, but it still hurts, and I’m still limited….

During that time, actually the day after I got my “instructions”…my Mom showed up at my door…(if you want to learn more about our strained relationship it’s in here). Go here if you want to find out how THAT went. We had the memorial service for my Grandmother…the one that passed in February…my Mom’s mom. It was a nice service…people shared funny stories, and touching stories…I read a poem about Hugs…It was pretty nice. Things are still tense with my Uncle, and my Mother….oh well.

Then I emailed my mother to try to re-open that door of communication. She shut me down. Then came back with “…apologized every way you asked…will not except you going into a rage when you don’t like what I say…have the right to express my opinion in a civil way…” then I was given her Terms…”want to have a real relationship…will not walk on eggshells just to make you happy.” My response to that was “Ok”…I’m done. I really really would like to have a good healthy loving relationship with my mom…but I guess that’s not happening right now. I have spent the last few week writing a letter…Starting with I wish things were different, I tried, I love you…I have gift for Mother’s day. Then I went into explaining why I’ve made some of the choices I’ve made the last few years…Basically why I have chosen not to discuss certain things with her.

That letter was very therapeutic…I edited…added more, took some out. I tried to make sure that it was putting her on the defensive…I made it about me and my choices. Then I decided to make two letters…One in with the gifts letting her know the other one was in a sealed envelop, she could read it if she wanted too. Then I said “fuck it” and just sent the gift with the first part of the letter. I came to realize that she is just not ready to listen to me, what I feel or think doesn’t really matter to her. She thinks that she has apologized for the past many many times…but in reality, that’s not what she’s done. She thinks that I asked for that…I haven’t. I’ve never asked her to apologize for the past…only to STOP continuing to do the negative stuff. Respect me…I guess that didn’t get through.

On Saturday…I broke down…BIG time break down….I cried for at least an hour…may have been two. I was feeling sooooo sorry for myself…My mother, my marriage, my friendships. I was pissed at my mom, pissed at my husband and pissed at my friends. I felt abandoned, crapped on and tossed aside. I wanted to know when it was going to be MY turn to receive…when were the people in my life going to start giving me what they have demanded of me for all these years. What did I do to deserve all this shit…Why can’t my friends come visit, when they know I’m stuck at home…Why can’t my husband drop me off at the door when I’m saddled with crutches, instead of making me walk from the parking lot across the street…Why can’t my Mom see what she is doing and stop making me pay for all the injustice that she feels she has endured????

Why?
I want to tell you all to piss off…and run away to start new…
Why can’t you see what you are doing to me?
Why is it so easy to brush me off, walk away, never give a thought to me…?

Ugh…It was ugly…But apparently very much needed. My husband listened…while I gasped for breath in between my wails…For that I am thankful.

On Sunday…I started doing something about my situation. I stared listening to positive podcasts…getting my mind back on to the path of gratitude…I feel like I’m getting warm, but the fire isn’t going yet…

I’m working on it…I’m not sitting around waiting for it to happen to me…I making it happen..I’m warming the fire…Ahhh….I feel lighter already…and I mailed my mother her gift.

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