Breaking through the fear

I’m having one of those crazy life altering moments. There has been this nagging feeling that I need to do something…only problem is I don’t know exactly what it is I’m supposed to do. What direction? What area of my life? Right now nothing is uber satisfying and nothing is all that horrible either. I’m sort of comfortable…and that is a problem.

I know, through my own awareness, that when this feeling comes up, it’s time to take some action. Over and over I have been reminded that I should not be ignoring that little pull on my soul.  Over the last few weeks I have had this reoccurring mental push. You must do something different in order for things to be different. Ok I get it, I think that I’ve proved that I understand this and yet, here it comes again.  So apparently I haven’t quite gotten the lesson.  So here I go again. Shit.

There seems to be this block, and for the love of all that is sacred, I can’t seem to figure out how to break past it.  I know it’s there, I know how it got there, and yet I can’t seem to get myself around the problem and find the solution.  It’s like listening to someone who’s talking with their mouth covered…I can understand something is being said, I can get a piece of the conversation…but the complete meaning is lost.

One thing I know is that right now being comfortable is NOT the right place to be. It’s what kept me in my failing marriage for so long and the truth is that being comfortable can actually kill you if you’re not careful.  So when this feeling comes and knocks on my cozy little life of mediocrity, I know it’s a time for some changes and that means I need to get a little uncomfortable. Its time to grab a hold of the fear, and get to the other side.

In all honesty, I almost lose my breath just thinking about it.  Fear sucks. It paralyzes.  I’m not a fan of being afraid, and I know there are a lot of people who have the same feelings when it comes down to facing their fears.  BUT, what I also know to be true, is that the fear is more damaging that the actual thing we are afraid to do.  For me, when I think about what I’m about to do, I want to cry and crawl into a ball and hide.  Why?  Who knows. I’m not talking about walking into a life threatening situation…I’m talking about doing something ALONE!! Just me.  Not waiting for someone else to tag along or offer to join me, or give me the “out” I so desperately want.  I’m talking about getting out and doing something all by my fucking self.  Yep, that’s what scares me into near panic mode.

So…maybe I DO actually know what the answer is.  Maybe I’m making out more of those muffled noises than I am willing to admit.  Maybe, just maybe, I’m letting my fear cloud my vision instead of just taking matters into my own hands.  I’m tired of being bored by my life. I’m tired of waiting around for someone to come and put a little excitement into my day…I can do that! I can do it all by myself.  Cause the real lesson for me is that if I don’t start living my own life, there will be no room in it for someone else to live with me.  I’ll either be alone forever, or I’ll fall into old patterns of settling for something less than what I deserve.

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