The truth about what you really believe you deserve does not lie in the things you tell people or the things you tell yourself. It is most definitely in the small quiet voice that whispers to you in your quiet moments. I hate those quiet moments. Sometimes those damn voices aren’t whispering…they are pounding my brain like a wild drum solo.
However, I cannot ignore, that it is those little voices that hold the truth that is embedded into my soul. That is not to say the truth that I know better, that I want better, that I work on a daily basis to overcome…but the truth that is buried deep into my fibers that holds me back from really achieving what I have set my heart on.
I tell you over and over…be open. When you are struggling with a problem, pay attention to what you see, hear, feel…the answer will come. What you have to do is accept it, even if you don’t like it. I don’t. I don’t like it one damn bit…but truth is truth. It is ultimately that deeply embedded truth that holds you back, not the one you tell yourself and the world. Listen to it. Find the block that holds you back and DEAL WITH IT.
My little moment came while skimming an email the other day. I tell myself, that I deserve a better love relationship. I tell myself that is why I ended my marriage and chose a rather hard, yet way more enjoyable life, was so that I would have an opportunity to find a relationship that is fulfilling and loving and healthy. I tell myself I deserve all these things….on the outside. The voice on the inside tells me I don’t trust relationships. It tells me that there will never be a man who will love me completely, that I will only be desired as an object, used, tossed aside, forgotten and never truly loved. THAT is what the truth is…and THAT is why I am not finding love. That is what I believe in my core.
This truth is ugly. It is not what I KNOW to be. I know that I am loveable. I know that it is possible to find someone that loves me completely and that I can return love to. The problem is that until I get that to be the truth my little crazy messed up mind/core to believe, I’m going to continue to make the same fucked up mistakes. Mistakes like being attracted to guys who are unavailable…either emotionally or physically. Mistakes like trying to convince myself that I am ok with being used and tossed off like an old rag. Mistakes like telling people I am really ok with the choices I’m making because it’s not my time, I’m ‘not ready’ for a relationship yet. Blah….screw you. I could be ready, if I believe I deserved better than a one night stand, or the occasional booty call, but apparently I don’t.
So what now? How am I to change a belief I know has been in me since I was a young girl? How do you change something that is so embedded into your core that only in your quiet moments does it rear its ugly truth and infects the choices that you make? First you have to accept it. You have to wrap your arms around it and acknowledge that it is there, and it is only being honest with you. You need to cuddle up with it and find out what you have done to keep that truth alive, and what you can do to change it. Until you get real close and honest with your core truth, it’s going to stick its ugly stuck up nose into your business and fuck up any chance to get to what you REALLY want.
Imma ’bout to do some cuddling this weekend. I’ve already set the stage for a real heart to heart with my truth. The bottom line is…when you know better you do better. It’s time to really get to know my truth, so that I can make a better truth…one that makes me smile when it whispers in my ear during those quiet moments alone.