Stuck

My mind races.  I’m fighting against the flow of my life. I’m living in fear and doubt and worry.  I’m stuck in this downward spiral and I can feel myself grasping by my bloody fingernails to keep from hitting rock bottom.  Been here before.  Spent YEARS of my life taking one step forward and 8 heartbreaking steps back.

Not this time.

I have learned enough over the last few years that this is not permanent. I’ve learned that this is well within my control to stop and step into a new direction.  These feelings and thoughts are not REAL.  The doubt the fear the worry are imaginary chains that drag me down whenever I am in a place where I allow them more space than they deserve.  Than I deserve.

Everywhere I turn I see more and more reasons to be proud of the journey I am on.  There are times that I can almost feel the energy of my desires pushing to gain a front row seat in my mind…but I have allowed myself to drown them out with old familiar damaging patters.

Blah blah blah blah….I really am sick and tired of giving into to these degrading and hurtful emotions.  Every time I think to myself that I can and HAVE been able to move forward away from those thoughts that bring me down, fate tests me.  I fail.

In honesty, I’m doing what so many people do.  I’m looking for outward validation that I am worthy…that’s not how this works.  I know that.  I pull myself off, dust myself off and hold my head up…then something deep down inside says “wait for it…you’ll see that you are unworthy.”  Every single time.  There it is, and I break.  I give in. I give up. I get pissed and I throw my ass back on the horse and do it all over again. Shit.

I don’t want to be stuck here.  How wonderful it would be if someone loved me enough to encourage me out of it.  Problem is, I am the one who should love me enough…and I am not honoring that.  If I can’t love myself enough to stop doing those things that hurt me, then how on earth can I expect anyone else to love me like that.  It has to start within, and it has to start with shutting those voices up that tell you to look for the failure.

Keeping it real without putting my foot on my own dreams.  I am not sad, cause that would keep me down.  I’m pissed.  Somewhere I need to turn that anger into encouragement and determination.  This shit isn’t going to fix itself, and it surely isn’t going to be a smooth ride.  Is anything worthwhile smooth and easy?

So here I am AGAIN….dragging my sorry ass up from the trenches.   This will NOT take me down like it did before and it will NOT keep me from moving forward.   Mind shift is the beginning….action is the next step.

 

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