Just going through my old blog. Seems that I was a much more open writer then. I didn’t know anyone who was reading and I was free to express myself completely without worrying about facing anyone.
I don’t like censoring myself. I don’t feel like I’m being genuine. I read those old posts and I can feel every bit of emotion in them. I need to get back to that. Get back to being real.
Anyway, here is one originally posted in August 2010.
Divorce…holy fuck! I’m divorced!
I’m sorry…I just had to get that out. I have a drunken sailor living deep inside me and he’s been cussing up a storm. At some point I have to let him out…let him express the deep and confusing feelings I keep locked up inside. Well, ok, it’s not my feelings he’s actually expressing, but sometimes I really just want to let loose with the profanity and make even the truck drivers blush….
Pity party? Maybe. Sometimes there just seems to be no real solid definition to how I’m feeling. I think at times I’m doing really good…and then without warning I think I am SO not doing well. These feelings were described recently to me by my counselor as something along the line of Sophomore/ish. I am longing for the carefree attitude of a young girl, but desire the stability and strength of being a mature woman. I am in between these two worlds…struggling from side to side at any given moment. Sea sick is how I feel most days.
Let me make one thing perfectly clear. I do NOT regret for one single moment, my decision to get a divorce. As hard as it is sometimes….I still believe that it was the best decision for all involved. What I do miss…someone to fix the shit around here. Ugh. Really…it feels like things are falling apart on purpose, just to piss me off (or make me more confident). Break light out, water softener empty, water filters expired, pool green (again), lawn mower making funny noises, week whacker out of string, tree limbs overgrown, over-sized weeds taking over….and the list goes on and on…I really just miss someone here who did it…Now that person is me, and sometimes, I just want to drop to the floor and throw an old fashioned temper tantrum. Really…what the hell is the toilet doing now??? For the love of all that is good…can you please give me a break.
Deep down, I know what’s going on. LIFE. Yep, life is going on and I must go on with it. Each time one of these, er, little things go bad, I find myself taking care of it. Just in the last week, I changed my own break light, replaced the furnace filter and filled up the water softener. Today, it’s tackling the green pool. Ugh. What happens each time I accomplish one of these projects, is that I gain a little more confidence. Mind you, it’s not that I think I can’t do it…I know I can…it’s just that I never really had to. Now, I have no choice.
One of the things my mother told my ex husband, just shortly after he moved into his own place, was that (in her mind) I needed to suffer. Sometimes I think, ok…have I suffered enough??? Suffering is not what I’m doing…I’m whining…a little. That’s it. None of this stupid little shit has broken me yet…and the way I see it, I’m getting stronger and stronger every single day. A little part of me wants to rub it in her face…just a little. I know that living a good happy life is truly the best way to handle people who wish you ill…So, I think I’ll just continue getting stronger, and being happy.
The next step for me, is to truly accept being alone. That nagging little voice in the back of my head that keeps whispering to me that I NEED to have a man in my life. Excuse me for a moment but Shut The Fuck UP already!!! Geez. Really! I do NOT need to have someone in my life. I HAD someone in my life for over 17 years…THAT is not what I need. I need at this moment to be happy and alone! Enjoy spending a little time getting to know myself…Getting a handle on those stupid things that keep trying to drag me down. THAT is what I need to do.
So that is what I’m working on. That, and remembering to put chemicals in the pool BEFORE it turns green…cause I really really hate cleaning the pool. Especially when it’s 90+ degrees…and I want to swim in it. Oh and cooking…for me, not to please someone else. I have a book full of recipes that I haven’t even tried. Time to open up my life to Myself.
I think it will be a nice journey…