She may have won the battle…

Today, I lost my temper.  I was confronted by my mother this morning…and it did not go well.  Over the last couple of weeks I’ve been working on a very heartfelt letter to my mother.  Our relationship has been strained for many years.  Filled with anger and hate.  Not by me, but by her.  She disagrees with that…but that is besides the point here.  Today she came to tell me that because I am such a hateful person, she cannot have me in her life.  I attempted to give her the gifts I had for her, along with the letter I wrote for her.  I told her that these gifts were my true feelings.  She refused to take them.  She doesn’t want to read my feelings in the letter, she wants me to say them to her.  Problem is, she does not want to hear them, and she does not want to believe what I say.

Bottom line is that in the frustration of trying to tell her that I am not angry, that I love her, and that I am sorry she has taken my actions as punishing her….I did what usually happens when someone refuses to listen, I lost it.  I started yelling and in the end, I told her to fuck off.  Not my finest moment.  THIS is exactly why I don’t like talking to my mother.  There is no communication.  She wants to tell me what she thinks and feels about what I say and do…and then refuses to hear anything from me.  Not even an apology.

She won the battle on this one.  In my frustration I gave her exactly what she needed…validation.  I lose my temper and it  shows her that I am angry.  I tell her to fuck off and that shows her I am hateful.  A 15 min warning I may have been able to gather my thoughts and give myself the pep talk I need to get my feelings in check, and remain true to myself.  I didn’t get it, and no matter how much I tried…I let that frustration get the better of me.  She wins.

What she does not get to win…is the war.  I will mull this over for a few days, think and rethink about what I should have done differently…beat myself up a little.  In the end I will be able to let this go…that’s something I’ve had a lot of practice at.  I am already beginning to see this incident as a gift.  She got the validation she wanted….and I got freedom.  She released me from the burden of trying to get her to see me for anything other than what she has chose.  She freed me of another year of thinking maybe I could find just the right words to make her understand that I love her, just not the contentment.  I will move on and get over this.  I will focus my energy on being happy and loving and the best mother I can be to my children.

She has given me the win in the end….and for that I am grateful. I sent her a text and said “Thank you for everything you have given me…from the bottom of my heart, thank you and peace”.  I do not say thank you because I think she will accept it, but because it is true.  For the good, the bad and the ugly…I am thankful.

Now I can let go…

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