After marriage counseling “failed” to fix our marital issues and we decided to file for divorce, I chose to continue counseling. My thought was how do I NOT make the same mistake again. I mean really, I’m 40 and I don’t have time to invest nearly 20 years on something that isn’t going to work.
First off, I met my ex when I was 20, so I wouldn’t say I had any experience dating MEN …When we started going through my relationships and how they failed we came to the determination that I had pretty much dated the same guy…multiple times. You see apparently I am highly attracted to Narcissists. (Narcissism is a generalized personality trait characterized by egotism, vanity, conceit, or selfishness.) Yep. You must understand, my mom is one and my dad is one, so it’s something I’m very comfortable with. As the counselor explained to me, it was what I knew.
Ok…now we know what the “problem” is how I stop doing it!! Obviously this shit is not working for me. I remember at one point my counselor telling me that if he put me in a room filled with different types of people I would instinctively find the one narcissist. Great! I’m 40…is it possible to train this old dog new tricks?? Yes! Yes it is…first know the signs (to which I am an expert) and then run when you see them.
Now I did not jump right into the dating scene as soon as my divorce was final. I took some time, but I did want some companionship. I set out like so many of us these days…I signed up for an online dating site or two. The very first person I met after spending 10 hours on the phone in two days. He was nothing at all like I pictured myself dating, but we had a great connection. He, however, was in love with another woman, and when she came back, it was over. Crushed! **Lesson** You can and WILL find someone who “gets” you…you just don’t know what kind of package he’ll come in.
The second was young, 24, and in my opinion…beautiful. He helped me open up, trust and feel attractive. He loved everything about me, and I loved everything about him. We had the greatest conversations and the best sex. He stayed around for about 6 months… The problem with this relationship was that he had young man issues…he had a chip on his shoulder and was unable to let go of the crap around him. He disappeared. I still miss him! **Lesson** You will find a man who will make you feel sexy and safe and you will be able to trust.
After that I went through a series of “first” dates. One guy said he liked me on the phone and couldn’t wait to meet me. We met at a local place, it was hot and we sat outside. I ordered a water cause I was sweating like mad. After about 15 mins he asked me if I cared if we went somewhere else. He didn’t want to stop talking, but wanted to be able to catch up on some game. I said sure. I got there, he didn’t…and he didn’t answer my call either. Hmm…why not just have your friend call you to get you out of it. Fucker.
Then there was the really smart guy. I mean he had one of those jobs that really smart people have like rocket scientist or something…We met, talked for 3 hours, all I got was water. He didn’t even ask if I wanted a drink or something to eat. When we left, he walked out ahead of me…he was nearly running. Seriously dude, we’re going in the same direction, can’t you even pretend to be decent for the 60 second walk to the car??
One guy that messaged me was younger and “stocky” and not at all the kind of guy I would normally be attracted to. He was sweet though. This was an attempt to prove I wasn’t all about how a guy looks, it really was about character. We talked for about a week before we met. It was a local eatery close to my home. When he walked in I was surprised to find that “stocky” was a tad bit of an understatement. I saved my judgment until he ordered his first drink. He was seriously rude and condescending to the waitress for simply asking him what kind of beer he wanted. This is when I knew…something was up. This was not the same man I had been chatting with. However I chose to stay, thinking maybe, it was a one- time thing…you know, bad mood.
As he started to explain his disdain for the waitress…and people in general, I began to think…Do I stay and see more, or do I run. He wanted to move out to the patio to smoke, I ordered my second drink. I was halfway done with my second drink when he started to become an even bigger ass. I don’t remember exactly the whole conversation, but it was mostly him telling me how great he and his friends were, and how most people were too uptight. He was a little more colorful with his explanation. I excused myself to the bathroom. When I returned I ordered my third drink. I had decided to stay and see just how this was going to play out.
He told me he was surprised I came back. I told him I’m not that rude. He then came completely clean “Really I’m here just to get laid.” thank God for that third drink. I didn’t say much as he went on to tell me how he has a lot to offer in the sex department, and how good he is “downtown”. He looked at me and I can only imagine the look on my face gave him an indication of my sentiments…I was amused, but this was not going to happen. He asked me if I was up for it “Um, no.”, he went on to tell me again how good he was and that I shouldn’t turn him down…” Yeah, I don’t think so.” He got it. As I sucked the last of my drink, he said “Would you at least do me one favor?” “ok” I said…”would you at least walk out with me, I don’t think I’d be able to jump the fence over there.” Being the ever gracious person I am, I agreed. As I was getting into my car, he said “Well do you think your friend might be interested?” “No, I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t be interested either.” Over the next few months he would send suggestive texts, pretending they were for ‘Suzie’ or someone else. Finally he stopped.
Honestly….I really really REALLY suck at this dating shit.
Next time I’ll tell you some very handy revelations I’ve had. After, you might be wondering why on earth I still have any faith in mankind at all….