“After a few (or many) bad relationships, it’s so easy to shut down, give up, and stop believing that the right person is out there for us. Our hearts yearn to fall in love, but our minds insist it’s not possible, and we enter into a tug-of-war with ourselves. It’s as if one part of us is screaming, “Yes! I deserve a great relationship!” while another part insists, “I’ll never find him or her.” When our beliefs contradict our desires, we experience an inner conflict that not only paralyzes us, but can actually prevent us from recognizing the possibilities for love that exist all around us.”
– Arielle Ford
So after the last crazy encounter with the faceless man…you would think I’d given up hope completely. Not me. If there is anything about me, it’s that I continue to have hope, even if it is sometimes a little misplaced.
As if things aren’t strange enough, I get a text, name still saved in my phone but not ringing any bells.
Him: “Hey stranger, been a long time. Please tell me by the grace of God your weekends have been switched! Oh it’s …. Btw.”
Sorry honey, you’re going to have to do better than that to refresh my memory. He sends a picture. It’s the guy that “just wasn’t excited” to see me again. Haha. He says that my smile is unforgettable and he is sorry we never got a chance.
Hm…so I say “well I guess when a guy says he’s not that excited to see me again, he isn’t really looking for a chance.”
Him “Did I say that??”
Me Um I believe you said that “you were looking for that excited feeling and I just wasn’t giving you that.”
Him “Oh, that sounds like something I’d say. Where did we meet?”
Oh lord…seriously. I’m the one with the unforgettable smile and you actually can’t remember meeting me. I refreshed his memory.
Him “Well I’m in bed, just wanted to say ‘hi’”
Me “Ok, so I guess you remember what it was you didn’t like about me in the first place?”
Him “There was nothing I didn’t like. I’m just extraordinarily high maintenance, still trying to figure out what I want”
Me “Ok. Good Luck.”
I think, and I know this is a wild and crazy idea, if you really aren’t interested in someone, and it’s been a few months without any communication, you should delete their number. That way you don’t get confused and mistake them for someone you would like to get to know better…when you really don’t. Or maybe you should make notes on their contact “wasn’t excited” so when you go back through your contacts you are reminded that she wasn’t just an “unforgettable smile”. I’ve decided I’m putting “extraordinarily high maintenance” next to his name, just in case he pops up again…I will be able to respond appropriately.
To be honest…I think I might be ready to go back to the young studs who want to rock my world. It’s less complicated, and only very rarely disappointing.
I had struck up a conversation with yet another bachelor. He was 34, 5’10”, athletic body type. This was one of those where he had viewed me and yet never sent a message. I sent him a quick message asking why. He doesn’t usually date women older, but that he did find my profile intriguing. The conversation flowed…something I’ve been missing lately. We chatted online then moved to phone calls. We talked for hours and not once did it get dirty. YES!! This is what I have been looking for. We agreed to meet for breakfast on Sunday.
As I walked to the doors of the restaurant my heart sank. He was not what I expected…even though I had seen his picture. It’s not that I’m particularly vein or superficial, but there has got to be some level of physical attraction in order for a relationship to develop. That’s not to say I would only date your typical attractive man…I’ve been extremely attracted to men that were not conventionally good looking. However, this was not the case here. I’m only 5’5” maybe a hair over…so if I’m wearing 2” heels and you are 5’10” you are still going to be taller than me. Right? I’m not good at math, but I think I got this! Even he commented on it…I didn’t bother to point out that maybe he should recheck that. Breakfast was nice…but the conversation was not as easy as it had been on the phone. Again, no romance for me.
That day I deleted my online dating account. I think I’ve had enough. This time I lasted about 3 months and I had lost the desire to continue. There were a few conversations that I had started and I gave them my number and told them if they were interested to give me a call. Then I shut it down. I need a break. I’m not having any fun anymore. It would be more fun if I could meet a guy that was fun to talk to AND who made me wish I could jump his bones. Seriously it would be nice to have even made a good friend out of all of this. If all I was looking for just sex I’d be set. If all I wanted was to debate and prove to some asshole that I really am different than most women because I’m willing to do whatever they ask…I’d be set.
I’m wondering if I’m expecting too much. I wonder if maybe I’m trying too hard. It’s not like I’m expecting each date to be the “one”…I’m really just looking for something in between a strictly physical relationship and the love of my life. Someone to enjoy some time with, have some fun, talk and learn how to be in a mature relationship. It doesn’t have to be love, just something better that what I have now. The truth is that each time I jump back online…I do a little better for myself. I let go of a little more of what’s holding me back and I open up to a little more of what life has to offer. It’s unfortunately that I’m still getting the same empty crap. Is it me? Is there something that I’m missing in all of this? Cause I just don’t get it.
I believe that there is a lesson in everything. Each encounter has something to teach you about yourself or to challenge a belief that you are stuck on that might be a bit jaded. I’m stuck now, believing that what I’m learning is that I’m not ready for a mature relationship. To be completely honest that makes me sad. So it’s time to regroup and let go of the idea that I need to have a man in my life. I’m happy, really happy. I like having the whole bed to myself. It’s nice to say “no” when I want to. Right now I can say “yes” to the things I want whether it’s time alone or a night out with the girls or just a companion for the night. The choices are all mine.
It’s time to step back.