I have officially closed down all of my dating profiles. How much disappointment can one woman take? I wane back and forth over what it is that I may or may not be doing wrong. What I should be doing instead of what I am doing. Wondering if maybe it’s just not my time, or if I am just not the relationship kind of person. There has unfortunately been a lot of self doubt when it comes to my desire for a relationship. Lot’s of telling myself one thing, then making decisions that take me in the opposite direction.
I had read once, that in order for you to be open to a relationship, you need to make room for it. Not just mental room or emotional room, but actual physical room. Its’ the physical representation of having a place for that special someone. So I look at the closet that once housed my husbands clothes…and is now filled with my stuff. It’s not as organized as MY closet, just stuff haphazardly tossed in there to be dealt with some other time. Sure, if I wanted to I could clean it out. Toss the items that have no value to me…the clothes that no longer fit. I could certainly clear it out in as little as an hour…if I wanted to. I’ve tried. I’ve come to that place before, thinking that I was ready to make space for someone to come into my life…but when I start, I just can’t finish. What little space I do create soon fills with more stuff.
All this inability to connect romantically with a man really has me wondering about what it is I’m really looking for. The last few years I have been working diligently on becoming an authentic person. I’ve worked hard on coming to peace with things in my life that I have had little to no control over. People who have hurt me have been forgiven, and some let go in the process. These last 10 years or so have been liberating and enlightening, to say the very least. Something is missing though…and right at this moment I can’t seem to put my finger on exactly what it is. I’m sure that there is an emotional block somewhere inside of me that is keeping love away. Just wish it would bubble up where I could see it, or feel it…so I could address it.
The day I shut down two of the three dating sites I was on, I had a few conversations in the works. Of those, I gave my phone number to 4 of them. One was a guy I had dated previously, one was a guy who had said he hadn’t had any luck dating women with kids, one was someone I had known when I was married and one was a very very sexy younger man. I told them if they were interested in continuing the conversation…or wanted to meet, to call me. One guy did. Of those, it was the one that was not supposed to lead to anything, the one I knew when I was married. Just one phone call. What get’s me in that little spot of discomfort is that he may have been the one thing I really needed…that one step above that I’d been asking for. Damn you Universe, you got me again.
Sigh. For the last few months I’d been telling myself “I don’t need to find the love of my life, just something more than what I’m getting now. Something that feels good, but doesn’t necessarily have to be long term or all encompassing.” Well, it seems like that crazy ol’ Universe was listening…as my friend so eloquently put it “be careful what you ask for”. This guy…this someone that I knew…this nothing more than friendship has become just a little bit more. Honestly, I can’t even wrap my head around the bizarreness of it. He likes me. He says the sweetest things to me. He texts me just enough to let me know he’s thinking about me, and yet not enough that it makes me wonder what the hell I got myself into. This guy…geez, I don’t even know what to say. He makes me feel good…and feels good with me. Where did he come from?? No! Wait, I don’t want to know. Right now, I really don’t care. I feel good (and yet a little bad) about this whole thing and strangely enough I think it’s just about the right amount of ‘whatever this is’ for me in this moment.
I’m getting the break from “dating” that I needed, and for now I’m going to just enjoy it. No pressure, no disappointments…just enjoyment. Freedom. I feel a little lighter. He is the answer to the message I had been putting out there. Now I just need to sit back and enjoy what I’ve been given and stop asking questions. When it’s time, things will change, I know that. For now I get to give myself a break. When I told him “you make me smile…why is that?” his response was “because we both deserve to be happy.” I think he’s right. We do deserve that….