Dating Part 11/Getting Real with Myself

Ahhhh…..romance.  It’s a funny thing.  Here I am a bright, confident single mature woman…most of the time.  However when my my unexpected romance started to dwindle a little bit, I fell into that pattern of getting too much into the crazy thinking even smart women do, and not enough into reality.  He was becoming less attentive, and I was feeling like I was losing him.

So, the day after I let it sink in that this beautiful romance was drifting way…I reached out to a friend of mine.  Cause if there is anything about me, it’s that I know how to reach out to who will tell me what I need to hear, even if it isn’t what I always want to hear.

Me: So my romance is fizzling

Her: What? Why?

Me: The signs are there. Not as attentive, he’s still online and the last time we were together he pretty much said he’d see me whenever. Sigh, I should feel worse than I do.

Her: Do you feel that way because you have felt this was doomed from the beginning?

Me: I think it’s cause it’s jut the same as every other relationship. I’m just getting used to it.

Her: That is bullshit and you know it. Every relationship is not the same and your not used to or you would not feel anything.

Me: Damn girl…Ugh. I just think I should feel sadder. I let myself believe he was different and I was special. I wish I would stop doing that. But I don’t feel like shedding a tear.

Her: When you go in to a relationship your supposed to think he’s different and your special. If we went into it saying he was going to be a shithead and we weren’t special hell there wouldn’t be any relationships. I am sure some woman would still do it but the smart ones would not and human race would have died out.

Me: LOL…I love you.

Her: xoxo

Me: He’s so damn cute…Ugh. Thanks for talking me down.

Her: Your fine, I would have been worried if you were and emotional wreck…maybe over the loss of extra curricular activities.  I would cry like a fool if I lost that too.

I love my friends.  She’s right when she said I had it doomed from the beginning.  From the moment I agreed to meet him for a drink, I kept telling people I was going to hell, that this was wrong and it was not going to work.  On the flip side I also said that I was just happy to accept what the Universe was giving me…and I was going to enjoy it.  Unfortunately, what I was really doing was waiting for the proverbial “other shoe” to drop.  That’s what I do.  I don’t like it.  I have worked hard to stop, but still I fall prey to those old comfortable stories I have been telling myself my whole life.  You don’t deserve it and it will fail.  90% of the time I practice what I preach…Acceptance, faith and all that, but that 10% sneaks up on me in those quiet hours and what happens is I end up doing the same stupid things, getting the same stupid results.  Cue the 2×4 crack right across my face.

So when this romance started, I proceeded to set up the fatal trail.  I sucked the life out of it so that I would be ??satisfied?? when it finally ended.  After all, then I could tell myself I took full advantage of what I could when I had the chance and convince myself that was enough.  It isn’t enough.  It is called smothering.  What guy wants that?  Shit, what woman wants that??  Anyway, I did like so many of us do and let that 10% control me and I choked the life out of something that could have lasted longer or turned into something much better.  Honestly, I even knew I was doing it.  What I didn’t do was stop when I realized it and take a breath.  I allowed those negative thoughts to convince me that I had only a short time and I had better start shoveling in as much pleasure as I could before he turned and ran.

When I look at it I realize this person came into my life because I had come to a point where I finally fully accepted that what I was doing wasn’t working and that I needed to step back.  I was rewarded for seeing the truth…and I showed my gratitude by proceeding to beat it to hell with the false illusion that I have come to  believe keeps love slipping through my fingers every time.  I don’t deserve it.  He was telling me he was sticking around and yet I couldn’t just let myself trust in that and relax.   I couldn’t just be the woman he wanted and accept the affection he was offering.  Now here I am, kicking myself again, only this time there are no tears.  Maybe the reason it’s not left me devastated is because I’m taking responsibility for my part in this.  Let’s look at this lovely man as a test from the Universe to show me where my weakness is.  Maybe next time when I see myself leaning in too close and shoveling in what is being offered I should sit back and let one of my friends in.  Clearly I need a little intervention when it comes to relaxing and letting myself enjoy the moment instead of watching the sand slip slow through the hourglass.

“We change our behavior when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of changing. Consequences give us the pain that motivates us to change.” — Henry Cloud

The only one here who has any control over what happens next is me.  I can continue to do the same things I’ve always done or I can start doing something different.  Choosing something different….

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