Can I do it or not? That is the question…

Ok I’ll admit it…I needed him to be different. I needed him to think I was wonderful and enough to let go of the desire to keep searching. I needed it more than anything. That’s maybe where I made my first, but not last, mistake. I came on too strong, got way to involved and saw us as a couple long before I knew how he really felt. However, maybe just maybe, I’m not really all to blame here…after all I am still just a girl searching for a boy to fall in love with. So when he says sweet wonderful things to me…telling me I’m beautiful, telling me how much he likes to be with me, telling me he’s sticking around…it wasn’t so inconceivable to think he wanted to be with me as much as I wanted to be with him. Right?

I checked to see if he was still online once before…when he first started to give a little less than he had been giving. He was. It hurt, just a little. I let it go. I even went so far as to ask him if he was still sleeping around. He told me I was the only one he was sleeping with. He even told me I was the only one that he had ever brought around his girls…so, was I wrong to really think I was special? Was it wrong to believe that we were an “item” even if we never really talked about it? I have a steadfast rule, I never ask the questions that I really don’t want to know the answer too. When I asked if he was sleeping around, I needed to know, for my own physical protection. I got more than I expected…and I really expected to hear that he was, that he was sticking to the “no relationship of any kind” requirement he had on his online profile. I was ready for that…I was not expecting to hear that I was the only one.

Then shortly after, he drifted again. He blew me off a few times so I asked what was going on. He said he had a lot going on with work and ex’s, and he just didn’t have time for someone special in his life if he couldn’t give them his full attention, but that he wasn’t going anywhere and he just needed to get “his ducks” in order. I told him I would take a few steps back, not add more to his plate, and that I too was not going anywhere. He told me I was amazing.

I needed to see for myself. Something in me needed to know for sure. So I checked and yes he’s still online, after being with me for just over 3 months. He’s even updated his profile pictures in just the last few weeks. This time it hurt a little more. If he doesn’t have time to be with me, someone he felt comfortable enough to have over for movie night with his girls…then how does he have time for all the crap with an online dating site? What is he looking for that he can’t get with me? Why bother still saying such beautiful things to me if all he’s looking for is to play games? I’m so confused.

So now I have a decision to make. Let it play out or end it. I believe what he tells me…not one little flag goes off to make me think otherwise. No, he hasn’t told me he wants to be with me and only me. No, he hasn’t told me he wants to be my boyfriend. No, he hasn’t told me he loves me. I believe he cares, I believe he’s not playing games with me. I believe he is sincere when he tells me what he does…I just don’t know if I want to stick around while he figures out what he wants or not. I don’t know if I’m really ready to say “fuck it” and enjoy the time we do spend together, knowing I’m not as special as I once thought. I don’t know if I want to confront him or not. I don’t know if I want to stick around just to find out one way or the other.

I have to make a decision. If I stay, I stay with a renewed view on what I am to him and what we have. What that means is that I will act differently…and would I really be able to be authentic and true? Would I be able to be with him without thinking of who else he may be with or if I’m competing with someone else? It’s difficult to know for sure….Do I wait for him to make a decision, or do I make my own? I enjoy being with him very very much. He has made me feel things I’ve long since given up on. I don’t think I’m really ready to let it go completely, but I don’t know if I can handle what it will take to stay.

Oddly enough, signs all around me lately have kept telling me to stick it out. Now that I have a new piece of truth…will the signs change? I guess I’ll have to wait and see. The answer will come to me, one way or another.

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