Dealing with uncertainties

Truthfully I am really fucking tired of having conversations with myself. One sided conversations in my own head over and over and over again are taking quite the toll on me.  This chick finds it easier to just talk to someone and get it all out there…know where you stand, tell them how you feel, be honest , be vulnerable and just get it out.  Right now, it’s not happening.  These things are still in my head and I’ve spent countless hours asking even yelling at my brain to just shut the fuck up.  It won’t.

Last week I spent a wonderful evening with the man I have these imaginary heartfelt conversations with.  We picked up movies and spent the night cuddling and laughing.  It was nice.  At no point in the evening did it ever feel right to open up to him about how I’d been feeling.  I just enjoyed our time together like I have before….but there was a part of me hoping for just a little insight to what was really going on with him.  Not this time apparently.  For now I guess I just wait till the time is right…and I know that there will be a moment where it will open and we will talk.

Why can’t things just be cut and dry?  I can handle truth, even if it’s not what I want, I can move on because I know what I’m dealing with.  What I have a problem with is the uncertainties.  My mind goes crazy with the possibilities of what things may or may not be and you can’t make any kind of rational healthy decision when you don’t know what you are deciding on.  Did his feelings for me become to strong that it scared him and rather than give in to them he drew back?  I know that’s a man thing to do. Retreat Retreat I feel something good!!  Me, when I get scared I feel the need to choke the life out of something to “test” it’s validity. Not healthy I know. I also retreat sometimes too.  There is still that little part of me who feels that I don’t deserve love, or that no one would really be able to love me if they really knew all my secrets.  He’s told me no one would ever be able to love him completely except his girls.  I understand this guy more than he knows….we are very much alike in our thinking.  We have a lot of the same misguided insecurities.  Ugh, maybe he just isn’t comfortable dating someone older?  Maybe the thought of taking someone 10 years older to family functions just makes him cringe. Maybe I got just a little to crazy when I started to feel to close and comfortable and let my insecurities take over.  Maybe it’s all of that…maybe it’s non of that.  I hate not knowing.

I reopened my online account.  I spent days thinking about what I want and what I should do.  To be perfectly honest, I want to be with this man.  I want to see just what we could be together if we made a commitment.  It’s not like I think we would be together forever…but I do think we could have something wonderful if only for a little while. I really want to see what would happen if we just gave it a chance.  I can want all day long, my wanting it will not magically make it happen.  If he’s not ready, if it’s not what he needs, then I have to accept that.  Ok. I accept that for now.  The insecure part of me keeps looking for the bomb to drop…for him to come right out and tell me he doesn’t want to see me anymore.  What I get is the opposite.  He keeps confirming that he is sticking around and that he truly enjoys my company.

So here’s what I’ve come to realize, I’m tired of being alone.  I can’t just sit around and hope he decides that he’d be crazy not to give us an honest chance.  There is no reason for me to deny myself companionship while he puts his ducks together and leaves me on the back burner.  It’s not fair to me…and it’s really not fair to him either.  I told him if he wanted to see me he would ask…I couldn’t take any more “not tonight, I’m sorry” responses.  I don’t want him to feel bad about saying no, and I don’t want to put myself into a situation where I’m constantly being rejected.

So I put myself back out there.  I have a date this afternoon.

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