Well…that didn’t turn out the way I planned. May be a good thing?

So my date with the new guy was very nice. Very attentive, good looking, good conversation.  He was eager to plan our next date.  I had a very good time.  For our second date we planned a day date in the city, but the weather didn’t cooperate so in house movie watching and cuddling was the plan. He brought lunch, wine and movies.  All and all it was a good 2nd date.  He likes me and it’s different that what I have been used to.

Last week I had one of those vulnerable moments where I really wanted to be in the arms of my hunky stallion.  I am sooo tired of having one sided conversations with myself where nothing get’s accomplished.  I texted, he texted back, I asked him to come to me…he disappeared.  The next morning I told him it was crystal clear, I would stop asking.  Then I decided it was time to walk away.  I had written out my feelings already…after a sleepless night I had to get it out.  I always enjoy writing  because it helps to make clear my true feelings.

Now, conversations like this are much better done in person, however I knew I could wait no longer.  I was torturing myself and it had to stop.  My first message asked him to turn his phone to silent I need to get it all out and it was going to be long.  Secretly I hated thinking I was going to blow up his phone, but I was desperate to end this once and for all. I explained how I didn’t expect to feel the way I did about him.  How I never felt more alive more passionate more beautiful than when I was with him.  I told him that there was never a time that I felt he wasn’t completely sincere or that he was playing me. I went on to say that I knew things had changed.  I knew he was pulling away and that no matter how much I wanted to have a relationship…I couldn’t make him want it too.  There were things going on in his life and I can respect that but I could see he was pulling away more and more.  Then I told him I knew he was still searching for something and that maybe I just wasn’t what he wanted .  Finally closing with how I  hoped that he would find his way back to me, but I had to let him go.  I sent it then proceeded to delete all his messages and take him out of my favorites.  I knew it was time…I had my say.

It felt good. Secretly I hoped he would say “Please don’t go”, what  I feared was he would be grateful he didn’t have to be the asshole and end it with me and just say “ok”.  I got neither of those things.  After a few hours he responded. Said he was sorry for the misunderstandings and that he wanted to talk to me and would get in touch after work.  He ended it with his usual “kisses beautiful”  He didn’t get in touch.  Honestly, I didn’t really want to talk to him.  I didn’t send the message because I was hoping to open up communication. I’m not that dramatic. If I want to talk, I talk.  I also didn’t send it because I wanted him to change…I really sent it cause I wanted to end it. After several hours after work, and no response  I just sent “ok”.  He responded quickly. “Sorry”  family over and he’s cooking.  He wants to talk to me, he never intended to hurt me and that he was sorry if it seemed like he changed.  He invited me to come to dinner…then said to just come hang out.

No. I wasn’t going to do it. I don’t want to talk. Really all I want is to let go.  I caved.  I felt incredibly uncomfortable.  This was the time he was going to say he just didn’t want a relationship and whatever it was I didn’t want to hear it…Again, neither of those things happened.  Honestly, what the hell.  He’s certainly not like any man I’ve ever known.  He was attentive and it was like nothing had ever changed.  Shit. Now what? I’m at a loss…I was absolutely prepared to walk away.  He wouldn’t let me. Fuck.

For now…I’ve regrouped myself.  No more long conversations with myself. I had my say, he knows how I feel, I can be done with that part of it.  He made it clear that he wants me around.  For now I’m a little more relaxed about the whole thing…but I”m not as involved in making it into something it isn’t, or something he’s not ready for.  Somewhere along the line I forgot myself.  I forgot that I’m supposed to enjoy the moment and let go of expectations.  Now that I’ve had a chance to say my peace…I can finally get back to that.   Buddha says “Attachment is the root of suffering.”   It really was my attachment to a specific outcome that was causing all my endless suffering.  I may not have let the hunky stallion go…but I did let go of the attachment to what I think it should be or look like.

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