I am really getting on my own last nerve.

(Be warned! There is more cussing that usual in this one! )

I honestly don’t know what the hell is wrong with me.  There are days I feel like a 12 year old girl with a mad crush on popular boy in school…or the 16 year old who just can’t seem to live without the “bad boy”.  Whatever this shit is that’s going on inside my head it is starting to really get on my nerves.

Am I in love?  Obsessed? Crazed???  Haha…there are moments.  Whatever it is I’m trying hard to snap out of it and be a mature and responsible woman and so far it’s not working in my favor.  They say you can’t change circumstances but you can change the way you view them.  Great…I just can’t seem to wrap my head around what it is exactly that I’m looking at.  Fuck.

I’ve never met a man like the hunky stallion.  Just when I think I’ve done what would make any man run the other direction, he comes back again.  He’s not an easy read.  Maybe that’s why I’m so attracted?  Maybe it’s the challenge of not knowing exactly how he will react that keeps me hanging on.  He’s not pushing me away. Love me or let me go.  He has stolen my heart, yet refuses to claim it or to return it. Bastard!

Some nights we’re together and everything feels right.  Other nights he feels so damn far away I want to go all girl crazy on him and make him leave.  I’m making all this way too personal, I know.  Believe me when I say I’m really trying hard to get over this shit…really hard.  Last week we had one of those “far away” moments together.  You could just look at him and feel he was a million miles away.  He made small talk, I wondered why he even bothered showing up.  Then we got to kissing and …well, you know what happens next.  Those moments are when I can feel his passion and his desire and he is right there with me.  Then he says he’s not staying the night and throws out and “I’m sorry”. Seriously I wanted to punch him in his cute fucking face.  I asked him why he was sorry…he said cause he wasn’t staying the night.  I said, I didn’t ask you too.  Of course I WANTED him too…I always want him too.  This time, I really wanted to just kick him out that instant. What’s with the I’m sorry?????

Next day I told myself I cannot keep doing this.  I’m torturing myself about what it going on with the two of us to the point of near insanity.  So I decided to just tell him I was done.  Then I read my horoscope.  You know that damn thing told me to hold on!!!!  Every fucking time I think it’s time to cut this thing off….I get some sign that says, oh no it’s not. Not yet…you got to hold on a little bit longer.  Honest to fucking heaven….I’m losing my mind.

So I told him. “Every time I think I’m finally ready to let you go for good, I get a sign that tells me to hold on a little longer.  I miss they way it was before.  I’m leaving it up to you.  You know how to reach me when your ready.”  Done.  No response…but that’s ok, I wasn’t really looking for one.  I figured the stallion would be silent for a few weeks, and I was feeling pretty ok with that. It was about 4 days.

I cried it out…finally.  Decided to get in touch with an ex…friend with benefits sort of thing.  Planned on having myself a little bit of meaningless sex to get myself back on track.  We had it planned, I even shaved my legs. It didn’t work out. Thanks Universe…you are just rocking my damn world.  There have been a few other opportunities that have come up, but that have also not ended up panning out.  Seems like I can’t have the man, can’t have the relationship, can’t have the meaningless sex….I just have to be where I am and be ok with it.  Mother fucker….

That’s when I got it.  After I sent the last message, and after I cried it out…and after I sent about 3-4 drunk texts, I got it.  A calm.  I have to be where I am and be ok.   A strong sense of calm was coming over me…and it was creeping me out just a bit.

So here I am faced with the certainty that I am exactly where I need to be and that the Universe has a grand plan for me.  If only I would just stop the nonsense and just be ok.  Got it.

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