I really can’t seem to figure it out…I’m attractive, fun, don’t do typical female drama thing and I can get along anywhere with anyone in any situation. What I can’t seem to do is find a man who has a mutual attraction, who can talk to me as well as enjoy a little (or a lot) of intimacy, that would actually like to date me and make me his one and only girl. In the last few years of my newly single life, I have met maybe three men I would have actually considered bringing into my life. You know, my REAL life…introduce to the kids, make space in the bathroom, clean out a drawer. As far as their intentions, not one of them has felt the same about me.
What is it that makes me NOT the girlfriend type? I can hang with the boys as well as the girls, play well with kids, dogs and cat’s adore me, I could carry on a conversation with your crazy Aunt or that one friend that never seems to say anything appropriate. I don’t get drunk and embarrassing, I’m empathetic, caring, honest, loving and nurturing….but I’m not girlfriend material.
I’d say it was maybe the age thing. However, I seemed to have the same problem before I got married. Oh they love to be with me, talk to me, hang out with me…everything but commit to me. It’s frustrating as hell. The Hunky stallion has proven to be no different. Oh there was a moment (now it feels like it was only a moment) that he couldn’t get enough time with me. He couldn’t wait to see me, made a point on several occasions to tell me he wasn’t just being charming, he truly enjoyed my company. There were many times he made sure I understood that he wasn’t just with me for the sex, even planned once a week movie night where there would be only cuddling…no sex. He called to tell me he missed me, told me I was the only one he was sleeping with and that I was the only woman he had ever introduced to his girls. All without me asking once, he did that all on his own.
It wasn’t till the last part that I thought maybe this was more than just something casual. Truth was, I was fighting it in the beginning…wasn’t used to that kind of attention from any man, wasn’t ready, didn’t want to trust it. Could it be that maybe I meant a little more to this guy than I thought…Maybe we could have something more. Just my luck, it wasn’t long after that, things changed. That’s when he started to really pull away, ignore my messages, cancel on plans. Oh sure every once and awhile that same charming man would surface…but then away he would go. I finally pressed for some kind of answer. “I just don’t have time for someone special right now”. Well, ok then. I can understand that. I didn’t really ASK to be special…but thank you for the honesty. He would drift between that charming lover to someone distant until I couldn’t take it any more and professed my desire to have something more…but that I was letting him go.
If you read anything over the last month you know how well that went. So, again, I thought maybe I’m wrong, maybe he does want more. Nope. I asked again the other day. “I just don’t want to be attached to anyone.” OK…fine. I’m confused. Is it me, did I miss something? Am I just completely clueless? Am I stupid? Do I just have the worst habit of falling for the wrong men? I honestly don’t know and I’m really fucking sick of it.
There is a part of me that says run away…drop this guy and move on. That’s probably the right thing to do at this point, and someday I’m sure I will be able to do just that. Only the problem I’m having is, if I don’t figure out what keeps me from being the kind of woman a guy wants to bring into his life, I may never be able to “fix” it. I’ve asked other guys…guy friends, guys I’ve “been” with but nothing ever came of it but friends, they don’t seem to know, or they don’t want to tell me the truth. Whatever….
I’m frustrated. It bothers the ever-loving hell out of me. For now I guess it just stays a mystery. At least I don’t have to give up any bathroom space…