Know thyself…

I get it…it’s not easy making tough decisions.  There is no easy fast track to doing what’s right, especially when you know it’s hard.  This was what I learned when I decided that I no longer wanted to be married…to the man I was married to.  It wasn’t easy at all, but it was the best most compassionate and loving decision I could make for either of us.  He may not have seen it that way at first…maybe he still doesn’t, but it was and I did it for all the right reasons.

Sometimes you just have to know your limits.  What can and can’t you live with or without.  I contemplated making a certain decision recently…I mulled it around my relentless mind.  I tossed the idea out to a friend.  There was a point that I knew what I needed to do…to be loving and compassionate to both myself, and to the hunky stallion.

I miss him. I miss talking to him about stupid shit.  For what ever reason he needs to put some distance between the two of us.  It was getting pretty intense there for awhile…and even as he pulled away, he still would reach out once and awhile.  Of course I would eat it up, then beat him with it when he retreated again.  That’s not fair.  I may not have all the answers, but what I do know is that he can’t (or won’t) give me what I want right now.  What else I know is that I can’t keep away, no matter how much I know it is the right thing to do.

Today I deleted him from my phone.  I know myself too well….There comes a point where I miss him too much, or I get afraid that he will just forget me, so I reach out.  Sometimes I get a response, sometimes I don’t.  I can’t keep doing it and I know it.  So since I cannot seem to muster any amount of self control, I realized that the only way I was going to be able to give him his space is if I removed the temptation.  It’s the same reason I don’t buy junk food.  If it’s not within reach, I can’t indulge.

Knowing the right time to do it was a tough one to figure out.  It came down to ‘now or never’…so I just did it.  Wished him well on an upcoming adventure…sent him an xoxo and then deleted.  I know myself too well to think that I could just sit back and be ok with the silence.  That just isn’t going to happen.  So it boiled down to removing the temptation.  This time I know I will be able to honor my offer to let him reach out to me when he was ready.

Maybe he’ll miss me.  Maybe he won’t.  I have to live with what happens no matter what it is.  He needs to do what is right for him…and I need to do what is right for me.  Sucks.  However, what I have learned from years and years (and way to many years) of experience is that there are no magic words when it comes to making someone else see life the way you do.  If they are determined, like we all are, to do what they think is the right thing to do…then you have to just let them.  You can’t wish your way out of it.  You can’t talk your way out of it….We all do what we need to when we need to do it.  He deserves as much respect for his choices as I would want for mine.

It’s a crap shoot for sure to know if letting him go will make his heart grow stronger for me…or if it will be a relief for him.  I have to be ok with whatever happens or else I’m just plain selfish…and that is not who I am.

In the end I realized that I had to know myself well enough to do what was right.  Making this decision now means I can still hold and immense amount of gratitude for the time we had together….Rather than waiting till it was destroyed completely leaving both of us wishing non of this had ever happened.  I don’t want that.  I want to appreciate him always…

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