One thing I know about myself

I really am all about trying to figure shit out. Not just with other people, but with myself as well. I’m a work in progress and I truly am trying to learn why I do the things I do and feel the things I feel. Sometimes I don’t like what I find out…sometimes I surprise myself. Whatever the situation, I’ve learned to figure out where I’m coming from…or at the very least try.

For years I’ve know that as soon as I admit something out loud, I’m nearly project myself in the direction to changing that thing. Now, whatever it is can linger in my brain for years…and there have been many of those things. However, as soon as I express that thought or conflict, out loud, it’s like I’ve opened a magic door that leads to motivation. It’s weird. I’ve know this a while too. Yet, I still allow things to stay up in my head torturing myself with the what if’s and the poor me’s.

Speak your truth. I heard that somewhere…actually I heard it several times. It’s not to hard to figure out and it’s pretty simple. The part that trips me up is the speaking part. I know my truth. I’m honest about myself, and mostly TO myself. What is unfortunate is that I stay wrapped up in the mental bullshit of whatever my truth is at the time and I end up frustrated and sleepless.

When I finally get the nerve to say out loud what I’m feeling there is a lightness that emerges. It kind of feels like that good long stretch in the morning where you wake up your whole body after being still for so long. My muscles relax and my mind stops chattering. Why don’t I just do that shit to begin with instead of letting it clog up my head for so long? I’m an idiot. Well, I’m not really and idiot but I am a little stubborn. I like to play this game with myself where I forget everything I’ve ever learned about myself and try to wing it. Maybe THIS time will be different. Oh how I make myself laugh sometimes.

Saying something to someone puts you in a vulnerable position. I get that, and that isn’t always easy. There is nothing wrong with being vulnerable…it’s actually quite refreshing. How the other person receives what you say is completely out of your control, but that’s not the point. If you are speaking your truth, out loud, to the person you need to speak it too…how they receive the message is not as important as you may think. You can’t control them, but if your are being genuine it will all be ok. I’ve learned that too…even though I try to pretend I haven’t.

So I did it. I spoke my truth…there you go now you have it and now my mind is at peace. It was given to you without any expectation, just truth. I’m not sure what will eventually come of it, but for now I feel lighter having said it and released it from my exhausted brain. It was received, it was not rejected…and it is free.

That wasn’t so hard. Whew…

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2 thoughts on “One thing I know about myself

  1. Dawn, I am a 44 yr old man. Well educated and have attained a modest level of financial success. I share this only to give context to my perspective. I have read your blogs. Perhaps a male’s take will help. First, I think it’s great you have found a forum to share your journey, others can benefit and writing can be extremely cathartic. You show an ability to self critic and to be quite introspective. Which is essential for growth and development. However, you don’t seem to be able to apply those lessons into healthy behavioral changes. You also continue to fool yourself into obsessive behavior, using things like ‘messages from above’ as justification. The truth is you know this relationship is not sustainable, You both are looking for something entirely different. His desires are physical, yours are emotional. He will feed your emotional desire to a limited degree only to sustain the physical aspect. The fact he not only kept, but updated, his dating site profile speaks volumes. You unfortunately are not a long term plan. You have been right to recognize that and end the relationship. However, YOU continue to reach out. Your many “final goodbyes” are part of that obsessiveness. Your latest series of texts, after you ended it again are completely self destructive. They only bring you back to a bad situation. This scenario is repeated not only in this relationship, but every relationship. Including the types of men you choose or choose to pursue. You describe yourself as an attractive, hard working, selfless individual. I’m confidant you can and will find an equal partner with the same desires and qualities. But you MUST learn from your mistakes and not repeat them. Reread your blogs, with a clear mind and heart. I think you’ll see the path. Some pay large amounts for the evaluation and advice I have given you for free. Now what will you do with it? The choice is yours.

    1. Roger, thank you for your message. I often go back and re read my own thoughts and messages…it helps to see where I’ve come from, where I’m still struggling and where I have grown. True, I’m well aware of my own issues, and I feel that I often apply those lessons to healthy behavioral changes…often, but not always. It’s certainly a process…one that a lot of people go through, some not always as quickly as we’d like.
      You are correct that this current relationship has turned into nothing more than physical and is not meant for long term, I never really thought it was, but, there is still a lot of women just like me, who are going through the same thing. My hope is that they learn to see the signs (like I have) after having seen what I’ve gone through.
      Your advise is the same that I have given to many of my friends, and to myself as well….I get it. Do not for a second think that I am unaware of my patterns, quite the opposite. As for the “messages from above” I have learned over many years that when I’m struggling with something, not just relationships, that if I ask I will be shown which direction to focus. Maybe it sounds flaky to you, but I believe they have served me well and I will continue to ask for them when I need them.
      I hope to hear from you again. Thanks again for commenting.

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