I have mentioned before, that I am well versed in the ways of the narcissistic personality. I was raised by one, then proceeded to marry one. The whole part about being unable or incapable of thinking about someone else is polar opposite of my own personality. When I make decisions I’m always thinking about how it will affect those around me. It’s what I do. It’s who I am.
There have been days…I wished I could feel the freedom of only thinking of myself. Never caring if it might inconvenience someone if I chose to change things up. Just once I would like to just do what I want because I want to with no thought. I don’t think I could really do it. I’m just not that kind of person…but I do wonder what that kind of freedom would feel like.
Why now? Well the way it works is that one night a week the kids go spend the night with their dad. One night a week and every other weekend. On that one night a week I don’t have to worry about how late I’ll be at work, if the kids had dinner, if they are going to get to bed on time, brush their teeth…ect. Just one night a week. This week that night falls on the first day of school. So I told them I wouldn’t see them after the first day so they would have to tell me the next morning…to which I was told, they would not be going to Dad’s that day. Hmm…really? Well we didn’t last year.
Ok, last year the first day of school was the night after, and honestly, I wanted to get them off right. This year is a little different. This year EVERYTHING is different. Except their dad…he’s still the same. So he is going to not see his children for 10 days because their first day of school is the day they would usually go see him. Seems stupid, but that’s not really what bothers me the most, I’m pretty used to his stupid ideas. What really bugs the fuck out of me is that he never even ran it by me. Last year I told him that I thought it was best if they stayed home that night..but gave him a chance to take them another night. This year, I was just told, they aren’t going.
I love my kids…but a single mom needs her breaks. I’m fucking tired and really look forward to that one night a week where I don’t have to worry about anyone but myself. It’s a mental break for me. Not this time, nope…not even a little “hey, since the kids start school on Thurs, why don’t I take them on Tues instead”. Not even that. So I texted him. Just told him that if he plans on not taking the kids on his night to run it past me next time. He responded asking if it was a problem…I didn’t reply. If I were to reply I would want to explain how making choices that affect other people and the plans they may or may not have had is rude and inconsiderate. Of course the wording would have been much more eloquent and sophisticated and I would have written and re-written it a few times to make sure my point was crystal clear. In the end, he wouldn’t understand. He’s never really been able to grasp things that don’t directly affect him. Maybe he doesn’t care…maybe he just isn’t capable, who knows.
Just once I’d like to not think about how my choices affect other people…just once I wish I didn’t care.