To have or not to have…

I’ll admit…I get a little bit jealous sometimes. When I see couples together, driving or shopping together, having dinner together or just out and about. There are times I miss being in a relationship…sort of. I’ve never had what would be considered a good or healthy relationship. However I see other people in relationships…sometimes one after the other and I can’t help but feel like I’m really missing out. My doesn’t anyone want to be MY guy??

Then I take a real close look at these relationships…I realize that if you look close, a lot of them don’t seem to any passion. Some of them don’t even really look happy at all. I’ve seen friends of mine jump in and out of relationship after relationship and I think to myself, that’s not what I want. Too many of them are toxic, drama filled crazy bat shit relationships. I do NOT want one of those. However, if I want to be like them, then I’d have to settle for all that craziness…and I really don’t want to do that. Not again.

When I met my ex husband, I was just out of one crazy fucked up relationship. Toxic would be an understatement. In order to not be alone…I settled. Don’t get me wrong, he was a good man, and was in no way like the other guy, but still I settled. Something in me told me it wouldn’t be good…it wasn’t what I wanted/needed/deserved. Unfortunately at 22 I didn’t know enough to listen to those warning gut feelings. I was still idealistic and romantic and I knew that I could be happy…if only. That didn’t happen.

I don’t want to settle for something less than I deserve. That doesn’t mean that the next relationship I enter will be the ONE…but I’m not going to attach myself to a partner I know in my gut is not right for me. So, even though I see so many people around me in relationships, I see very few that are the kind of relationship I want to be in. Those few that are, give me hope that I too will find someone who compliments me, and I him. So for now I wait. Patiently…and keep myself focused on the kind of relationship that is loving and healthy.

Still…there are times I feel like I’m missing out. Those moments don’t last long…for as soon as I start to feel sorry for myself and wish I had what that person has, I see the reality of what they have and I am reminded, that is not for me. Am I happy single…for the most part yes I am. I’ve seen what it’s like to be in unhealthy unhappy relationships and I don’t want to do that again. It’ll happen when it’s right…



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