Yet another sleepless night…I really wish I had a switch for my brain. Well, I guess I do, in a way. It’s called facing the truth. Once I finally come to find my truth in whatever given situation…the brain relaxes and I can finally have some peace. I like peace. I like sleeping. Most importantly I like getting the core of my angst once and for all.
I do not do regret. There are lessons in every experience we have, good and bad. The trick is to learn the lesson, and do your best to not make the same mistake again. It’s an ongoing process…one I have been given the opportunity to learn over and over and over again. Yeah fucking me. However, this process is not lost on me, and even though I sometimes curse the powers that be, I eventually embrace it and seek to find the lesson.
It would be so very nice, if I could just skip all the crap and jump right to the place I need to be. Let’s face it…I know where my head needs to be, what the end result is. Why do I have to go through all the fucking steps to get there? What I need is to tele-port myself right to the spot where I’m good with everything and I appreciate what happened. That does not seem to be happening. I’m still having to go through the emotions and the mental banter and the questioning. Fuck. I want some sleep. Please?
I’m getting there. It’s not as painful as it has been in the past, so I’m grateful for that. Little by little I’m learning to accept things as they are, without truly understanding any of it. I realize that I will never understand what exactly happened with the Hunky Stallion. At least, not on his end. That I got. I had to let go the need to know and understand. It is what it is and that is all there is to it. Ok, took me awhile, and a few bottles of wine, but I got that I don’t need to understand. Done. One down…now I just have to work on MY end of all this shit.
When he told me that he didn’t have time for someone special, there was just too much in his life and he didn’t have time to give, I apologized to him for asking too much of him. I did it again during another conversation…apologized for ASKING for him to give more than he had. What I came to realize is that I did in fact NOT ask him for anything. Everything he gave, he gave freely. I devoured every ounce of it, but I did not ask him for it. Then I gave my actions an even closer look…what exactly did I do? For one thing, I was fake. I didn’t do the things that make me the person that I am. I held back. I tried to impress him. I to make myself seem like something he would like, instead of just being myself.
It’s like the 22 year old me all over again. I was pretending to be something I wasn’t, at least, not completely. We’ve had some pretty interesting conversations…and instead of saying the things I would to any of my friends, I said things I thought he wanted to hear. Ugh. I’ve gone over a few of these conversations…and I would like very much to go back to those moments and smack myself right in the mouth. I wanted him to see me the way I thought he would like instead of just being myself. It’s funny, cause I called him out on that very same thing once. He wanted to grow out his beard, said he missed it being long and stroking it. I asked why he hadn’t, and he said that he felt that being single and dating it was best to keep it neat. I looked him right in the face and said “right, cause heaven forbid anyone like you the way you are.” BAM. That is me…straight forward and calling Bullshit.
So, why did I feel the need to constantly hold my tongue or say something that wasn’t really in line with my own true personality? Well, I was afraid. I was afraid he wouldn’t like me the way I really am. Truth is, I can be quite rough with the things that I say…and when people start getting all “oh, poor me, look how the world has treated me unfairly” I tend to throw that shit right back at them and point out the reality of it all. No sugar coating. It’s always offered honestly and with love…but it’s straight. When I first started dating I told myself that I was no longer going to try to be what someone else wanted…I was going to be 100% me and if you don’t like it, then let’s move on. Now here I was pretending and holding back all because I was seduced by my own need for affection. The desire to hold on to the great sex and those tasty wonderful kisses was turning me into someone that was not real.
I’m not going to play the what if game. No way…that game is stupid. I am now fully aware of what I did and why I did it and there is no need to go back and tell myself “well what if I had really been myself, would this have turned out better?” Fuck that. It’s too late to go back, but it is NOT to late to start being myself. Each relationship is different…and this one certainly was unlike any that I had before. When he would open up to me about certain things I should have said exactly what I would have said to my best friend. I didn’t do that. I let fear take over and I shut down. Maybe he wouldn’t have liked what I said…maybe it would have been exactly what he needed to hear. Who knows, but what I do know for sure is that I can’t let my needs and desires for affection keep me from being myself. Cause if he is going to love me…it’s going to be ME he loves, and not some watered down wimpy version of me. No way.
There were several things that he shared, that were open, honest, and vulnerable. In the moment, I should have responded to him with the same openness and honesty and vulnerability. Not being honest with him in those moments was selfish, and disrespectful to the both of us. I’m not saying that I have all the answers, but I do know that when someone shares something that is naked and painful with you, it is your duty to respond with love and honestly. There was a reason he was sharing these thoughts with me…and I’m pretty sure it wasn’t to secure his place in my bed or to get some sugar coated bullshit. He needed someone to be there with him in the raw and let him know that he mattered.
So I found out that I still have some work to do on myself. That’s good, cause I was really starting to think I had this whole thing figured out…and well, then what would I do with myself? I acknowledged my fear and now moving forward I have to be mindful when I’m allowing that fear to cloud my judgment. There is a man out there…that is going to love me fully and completely and for exactly who I am. I don’t need to be afraid to show myself. I should be more afraid to lose myself again…