Let’s face it, I’m a single woman, no real “boyfriend” prospects and no real desire to get back into the dating game at this point. So why wouldn’t I want to keep myself entertained with a man who just wants to have super great sex with me and nothing more. I’ve had a few strictly physical relationships before. Of course I liked those men, but I didn’t really feel anything for them. There was never a desire have anything more and I was good with that. So, I tried to convince myself there was no reason I couldn’t do the same with the hunky stallion.
I was wrong. For the last few weeks I’ve been trying to convince myself I could let go of any desire for things to go back to the way they were and just be happy with what it has become. The biggest problem is that every time I see him, I want him more. As my friend put it…my hearts in it. I want to be with him, some may say I even love him. I think that’s not quite it, but I certainly feel the potential for love was there. In order for you to have a relationship with someone that is no more than physical, you have to be disconnected from your feelings. You can’t be disconnected with someone when your heart is involved.
Apparently I am unable to disconnect. This became clear to me the last time we were together. It was your typical “booty call”, I was hesitant when I first saw the message…but that didn’t last too long. This was the right opportunity to get in, get some sweet satisfaction and get my ass out of there. It was wonderful, as usual, and I made a relatively speedy exit, but my heart hurt. The truth is, when I left I didn’t feel satisfied, I was sad. He didn’t do anything or say anything different, but when I left I didn’t think I could really keep doing this. However, I was still trying to convince myself I could.
I woke up this morning thinking about what my friend said, about my heart being in it. You can’t have strictly physical relationship when your heart is in it. She is right. I can’t. I want him and when I’m with him I want more of him. I cannot keep doing this to myself. It is finally time to stop lying to myself that I’m ok with things the way they are when in fact I am not, it’s not enough. So I decided I had to stop. So I sent him a message and told him that I thought I could, that I wish I could, but I cannot be his occasional horny fix, I just can’t. That was it.
Today my heart hurts. Not so much because the relationship isn’t what I hoped it was, I knew that a long time ago. I hurt because I know I am going to have to be strong, stronger than I have been before. In a few weeks I’m going to really REALLY regret this decision. I’m going to tell myself I’m an idiot and having something is way better than nothing. Then I’m going to have to remind myself that it was not better and that it was hurting me way to much. I’m going to have to remind myself that I deserve a real committed relationship with a man who is crazy about me and wants to be with me. That man is not the hunky stallion…and it’s time to get that through my thick stubborn scull. When I do, I’ll be able to open myself up for the right man at the right time.
For now, I’ll just cozy up with not lying to myself anymore. This should be interesting.