It’s been an emotionally draining week for me. In ever part of my life. There have been moments I wish I had the guts to just pack up and move…start a new life somewhere else. Yes, run away. Unfortunately I can’t do that cause it would totally destroy my kids and I’m not selfish like that. Little fuckers. Where’s your sense of adventure???
I’ve been struggling with the udder silence from the Hunky Stallion. Struggling with a job I hate. Struggling with my relationships with friends changing. Struggling with the desire to just say Fuck It to everything and completely shut down. Struggling means I’m fighting instead of accepting and I know that…and yet I can’t seem to get a hold of myself long enough to relax. Life is pushing against me, and I’m trying to figure out why…what happened….how did this happen. I’m pushing back and it’s exhausting…it needs to stop.
The attempts to reach out to the Stallion were ignored time and time again. My need to be honest was not in alignment with any of his needs. Fuck you asshole. I was so ready to just go all Italian mad on his ass. You know yelling arms flying all over the place, throwing things. I was pissed. Then I decided to reach out one more time. He responded. FINALLY with the truth about what has been going on in his life. I was sad and relieved at the same time. It really wasn’t all about me (haha go figure) and he just needed time to clear his head. He needs more time, I know that, but for now I feel like I can finally let go…I feel a sense of release. All it took was truth, and I was free.
I was reading the other day and came across an article about dating. A woman was going on and on about how there are no good men out there. How it seemed like men could find good women but women could never find good men. It was really stupid and you could just feel her whole letter dripping with pain and self loathing. It got me thinking about my own situation. The truth is you find what you seek, and you get what you feel you deserve. This is a concept I have accepted. Sometimes I like to twist it though, and make it unfair. The truth is, I meet good men all the time. Good, honest, caring men. Men who do not commit to me, but have moved on to commit to other women. Men who I have adored, some I still talk to. So, it’s not that I don’t meet men who are good and loving and capable of committing to a relationship, they just don’t make that commitment to me. The common piece to this crazy puzzle is ME. It’s not them. The truth is that I do not feel I’m capable of handling a committed relationship…I still have some internal crap to work on. Until I get my shit together I’m going to keep on going in the same direction, getting the same results. Time to let the truth in…
My job. Sucks. This is soooooo not the right place for me. Now I’ve been open to the possibility that I am right where I need to be, but the truth is, THIS is not where I belong. Each time there has been a “situation” I’ve come back to being open to the lesson and letting myself settle in and accept my place there. Then this week happened. I looked at what was happening with open eyes and realized that they selfish and self absorbed. They do not value me at all and their menial attempts at giving praise are like someone poking you in the side with and ice pick, while petting you on the head like a dog. They suck. This week I decided that it was the prime opportunity to speak my mind, articulate my needs and the problems I have in a mature way in hopes of coming to a mutual understanding and getting some resolution. I got attitude and defensiveness and I was cut off mid sentence so many times it took every ounce of energy I had to not tell them to fuck off and just walk out. The truth is, you don’t know what I think (no matter how many times you tell me) if you don’t listen to what I am saying. I’m done. Let the new job search begin.
Truth. Letting it all sink in and getting myself comfortable with it. Time to stop struggling against the truth and fully accept it and move from it in the right direction…with a sense of peace. It’s a lot of truth all at once and it’s actually caused some serious physical pain. That makes things a little more difficult, but I’m a tough bitch, so I’ll be just fine.
Oh, and there is a new man in the picture. Haven’t figured out what his nickname is yet…we’ll see if he sticks around long enough to earn one.