My brain is on overdrive…or park. I’m not really sure

I can’t focus. My brain just doesn’t work. There seems to be so much going on in there and yet so very little at the same time.

New guy has been a nice distraction. We talk. He wants to hang out with me. He’s interesting to say the least, and he’s sweet. This is in no way someone I’m am interested in a “relationship” with and I made that clear. He’s leaving the state in a couple of months anyway…so he’s not looking for anything either.

My friend texted the other day “how’s things with the bad boy?” I said good…he’s making me cookies. Really, I said I had a craving for some homemade chocolate chip cookies, and he offered to make me some. That was sweet. She asked if I liked him. To that…I would have to say yes, I guess so. I’m not all oogly and desperate to see him as much as possible…I just like knowing he’s there, and he’s interested. What I do find is that its hard to just accept having someone be nice to me. I’m working on it.

Today he asked me if I thought we were “dating”. I said “Nope”. I told him I was just enjoying the distraction and hoped he was too. He said he was. That’s it. I don’t need anything more right now. I don’t really want anything more right now…my brain wouldn’t be able to handle it either. I just like being around a man who is interested in me, and I can just relax.

The other night I got a text from a deleted contact.
Him: “Guess who? Do you miss me?” Me: Depends on who you are.
Him: Really you don’t have my number saved? Me: Nope
I had gone through my phone not to long ago and deleted a lot of old contacts. Some of them I haven’t corresponded with in a year or more…some I was sad to let go of, some I was relieved.
Him: Are you free tonight? Me: Nope
The conversation continued until I finally figured out who he was. Cute guy I’d met in January 2012…last saw in June the same year. He lives several hours away and only comes this way for business every few months. If it worked out, we would meet, if it didn’t we didn’t. Then after his last visit he stopped texting as much, I asked why and he said he had a girlfriend. I respect that, so I stopped contacting him.
Me: How long have you been hoping I would be free tonight. Him: Since the last time just to afraid to ask
Me: Afraid? Him: the GF don’t want her to know

And there it is folks. Somewhat flattering knowing that he still desires me…still wishes for the late night flirty text messages….but doesn’t want to get caught. I’ve got the impression the GF was in the picture from the very beginning. Seriously…is this all I’m worth. I am that one that you desire…you fantasize about. The one you flirt with and share your secrets with. I am the one that you would cheat on your girlfriend/wife with…but I am not the one you would commit to. Thanks sweetie…but I’m busy.

Not sure what it is about me…that makes me fitting for this but not for that. I’m not wearing a sign, at least I don’t think I am. I don’t troll the bars looking for men to hook up with. I’ve played both sides of the fence over the last few years…desiring to just have fun, and desiring a relationship. Apparently I’m acceptable when it comes to the “fun” but not for anything else. Whatever…

It’s a bit of a blow to the ego…but not enough to kill me. I’m just surprised how often it happens. Does it happen to other women as much as me? I guess it doesn’t really matter…but it sure would be nice if I could figure out why this happens so often. I ask “are you single” they lie and tell me they are. My BS reader must be busted…or maybe I don’t turn it on when I’m really interested…

Anyway…these are a few of the interesting tid bits of my week. No wonder my brain is shutting down.


6 thoughts on “My brain is on overdrive…or park. I’m not really sure

  1. You’re totally not the only one, girl. It happens to me- a lot. I’ve never understood why and sometimes it’s better to just try not to. It’s always when I actually want something wholesome, too. I’ve gone on a few dates with someone who I can’t tell if he’s being real with me or not. Time will tell, I suppose.

  2. I think this happens to many of us…. and the older we get the more likely because there is so much baggage and bullshit, and very few of us are willing to be vulnerable and real… so when we decide we are going to try to be it is difficult to tell if we are being received authentically or not…. Thank you for always making me lol!

  3. Ahhhh Sweetie, it happens to me ALL THE TIME… I am never the keeper, but I get too many late night, last minute texts, offers of dates that I know are on the DL… I’m so over it… I feel like telling everyone to fuck off…

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