Today is a tough day for me. My precious dog is dying… he has kidney failure and it totally and completely sucks. I’m heartbroken to say the least. I love that fucking crazy dog…even though I won’t let him on my bed anymore. Over the past 20 years I haven’t been without a dog in my life. Through those years it’s been my dogs that have seen me through some of the hardest times of my life. They have been the one’s to comfort me when I sat alone in a room and cried my eyes out…or sat in udder silence because there were no more tears to cry.
It’s got me thinking…this is one of the times I miss not having a partner. Someone to hold me and know my suffering. A strong arm around me while my heart breaks over the loss. The problem is, I’ve never really had that kind of partner. Over the years I’ve learned to just suffer alone…except that I had my dog. Now it’s my dog who I’m losing, and there is no one to comfort me. Yes, the kids are suffering…but they are teenagers and they are more in the moment with their grief…then consumed by their own needs. Yes I have wonderful friends who have reached out…but it’s not the same.
The man I was married to was not a comforter. He was a provider, period. When my grandfather died, he did not join me for the drive up north to spread his ashes. He’ll tell you it’s because I told him not too. That is true, but the reason is because I would have to baby his insecurities instead. When my first grandmother passed I was devastated…after finding me more than a week later crying alone in the living room, he asked me what I needed. To be honest, I was shocked, I don’t think he’s ever asked me that before. “A hug. I could really just use a hug.” He looked at me, and walked out of the room. When my last grandmother was in the hospital,incubated and not looking like she would be here much longer, I got the call first thing in the morning while everyone was getting ready…I told him I had to go. He replied “but I have a meeting this morning.”
Yes…I miss having someone to comfort me in my pain, feel my heartbreak, hold me tight and tell me things will get better. I miss something I’ve never had in my life from a man…and yet still long for. I can handle being single in just about every situation…But just this once, I wish I had someone there just for me. Someone I didn’t have to be strong for, who would take the lead and let me just break down. Someone who would just hold me till all the tears where done.
Maybe next time.