The thing I miss most about being a couple…that I never really had in the first place.

Today is a tough day for me. My precious dog is dying… he has kidney failure and it totally and completely sucks. I’m heartbroken to say the least. I love that fucking crazy dog…even though I won’t let him on my bed anymore. Over the past 20 years I haven’t been without a dog in my life. Through those years it’s been my dogs that have seen me through some of the hardest times of my life. They have been the one’s to comfort me when I sat alone in a room and cried my eyes out…or sat in udder silence because there were no more tears to cry.

It’s got me thinking…this is one of the times I miss not having a partner. Someone to hold me and know my suffering. A strong arm around me while my heart breaks over the loss. The problem is, I’ve never really had that kind of partner. Over the years I’ve learned to just suffer alone…except that I had my dog. Now it’s my dog who I’m losing, and there is no one to comfort me. Yes, the kids are suffering…but they are teenagers and they are more in the moment with their grief…then consumed by their own needs. Yes I have wonderful friends who have reached out…but it’s not the same.

The man I was married to was not a comforter. He was a provider, period. When my grandfather died, he did not join me for the drive up north to spread his ashes. He’ll tell you it’s because I told him not too. That is true, but the reason is because I would have to baby his insecurities instead. When my first grandmother passed I was devastated…after finding me more than a week later crying alone in the living room, he asked me what I needed. To be honest, I was shocked, I don’t think he’s ever asked me that before. “A hug. I could really just use a hug.” He looked at me, and walked out of the room. When my last grandmother was in the hospital,incubated and not looking like she would be here much longer, I got the call first thing in the morning while everyone was getting ready…I told him I had to go. He replied “but I have a meeting this morning.”

Yes…I miss having someone to comfort me in my pain, feel my heartbreak, hold me tight and tell me things will get better. I miss something I’ve never had in my life from a man…and yet still long for. I can handle being single in just about every situation…But just this once, I wish I had someone there just for me. Someone I didn’t have to be strong for, who would take the lead and let me just break down. Someone who would just hold me till all the tears where done.

Maybe next time.

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14 thoughts on “The thing I miss most about being a couple…that I never really had in the first place.

  1. I’m so sorry you’re sad.

    That you’re anticipating loss. That you feel lonely.

    And I’m really, really, really sorry, those years ago, you were denied a simple hug when that would have helped the most.

    Lot of sad stories in there. But I really appreciate you telling them.

  2. I am so sorry for your loss. My dogs have also been a source of comfort to me as well. I DID have that man in my marriage and I messed it up and lost that too. I often wonder if I’ll ever have that again. The man I am with now is not a “comforter” either. I miss my ex so much it hurts sometimes!

  3. hey…hang in there…you are not alone…sending you lots of love and well wishes..one day you will look back and there will be fond memories..sunshine and your wonder at how well you handled everything.

    1. Thank you so much solace. I already look at all the fond memories. He was a good dog. It was too soon…but I know when the time is right, there will be a new furry love that will fill that spot.
      xoxo and thank you for your kind words.

  4. It does suck to realize when you’re going through hard times, that you wish “xx” was here, but then you realize that even when you were coupled up, your partner was never really “there” for you. And that can be even more lonely and heartbreaking. You will be strong, you always have.

    1. Its kind of sad to think I’ve gotten strong because I had no choice…and it is not my ex I wish would comfort me, he never has. Just wish I could be vulnerable with someone…who I was safe with. This is one of the reasons for my divorce. I realized I needed more in a partner and needed my kids to see a more positive relationship. Sigh…he’s out there…I know it.

      1. I know when I went through my break up, it was something I realized. That sometimes society (and us) place too much emphasis on marriage and domestic partnership and so on….without realizing that we already have love. Being single doesn’t mean you don’t love or that you’re alone.

      2. xo Thank you. You are absolutely right. However…a pair of strong arms wrapped around me at night while my heart breaks…sure would be nice right about now.

  5. I’m so sorry to hear about your dog. I had a few dogs before I know how it hurts 😦
    My X was the same: provider, not comforter. My best friend died in a car accident and I was mourning her for 2 years. You know what he said to me? You’re being dramatic. I will never ever forgive him for not supporting me.

    Once again, I am sorry about your dog…

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