Where I am, is not where I intend to stay

I’m tired of being sad. It’s been long enough. This year has been such an emotional rollercoaster for me I’m ready to get off…what the hell happened to that woman who was sure she was in the right place? She got buried in a whole lot of “here’s life, now suck it up”.

These last few weeks I’ve pretty much cut myself off. Shut down. There hasn’t even been a whole lot of thinking about stuff…I’ve just been closed and sad. The other day I finally started to feel like I was coming out of it. Thank you! Then yesterday I realized, I’m still not there yet. The light is starting to come in, but I’m still shut down emotionally. Now…here come the thoughts. Here comes the voices, the doubts, the struggles…the quiet emotions bubbling to the surface and making me wonder what’s next.

I think about my ex husband. Is he happy? Would he still rather be married to me? Does he hate me? What if I gave him just a little more time…would our life have been better? The day I decided I was done with my marriage is the day he decided he was finally ready to try. Should I have given him that chance? Truthfully, I don’t think in the end it would have made any difference. I think it would have just prolonged the divorce, not eliminated it. With every piece of my being I believe I made the right decision…but I sometimes wonder where I would be if I had stayed. Theory of a Deadman had a song playing the last year of my marriage, Not Meant to Be. It’s like it knew exactly where I was, what I wanted and needed to say…”but I’m caught between what you wanted from me, and knowing if I give that to you I might just disappear.” I worked hard for a lot of years on my marriage…trying to find a balance between what he wanted me to be, and what I needed to be. That story is over…it’s done.

Bad decisions I’ve learned to accept. Buying a $3000 bed that was too soft. Selling it for $200. Painting the hall and disgusting beige. Buying an $800 bike I felt like an idiot riding…only to trade it in two years later for one I love to ride, but don’t. The mothers ring that was NOT what I really wanted. Not getting the washer I should have because I felt guilty spending someone else’s money. Not going to my sister’s 40th birthday party. Not taking the kids on vacation when I told them I would. Leaving my old job. Not letting go of people sooner. NuvaRing. A handful of one night stands. Not being honest when I should have. Being honest when I should have kept my mouth shut. I guess I could go on…but I think you get the idea.

I’m not perfect…but I guess I’m comfortable enough to stay where I am cause I can’t seem to motivate myself out. There have been some internal dialogue that I need to change. Things I have taken as truth, that I’m starting to realize aren’t truth…and it’s been keeping me stuck. I have things that need my attention, and things that I need to stop giving attention too. Life is passing me by and I’m feeling a little sorry for myself and I think that it’s come down to realizing that there are so many opportunities…things I have always wanted to do, but was waiting for permission. One of the reasons I chose not to be married any longer was because I was tired of being told what I wanted was wrong…trying to keep my personal desires and dreams to myself because I knew they would not be accepted. Now, I’ve given myself the opportunity to live life on my terms. What have I done with that precious gift? Well, I changed my hair, bought some new bra’s and new bedding, redesigned my livingroom and had some great to not so great sex. Wow…go me!!! I think, I can do better.

Quite time is valuable, in moderation. Sometimes you need to just close the door and cozy up with where you are and give yourself time to think about where you want to go. Trouble is…it can get to comfortable keeping that door closed. After awhile, you start to think it would just be easier to stay behind the door and let everyone else have the experiences…Fuck. I don’t want to be inside watching. It’s time to open the door and move my ass. No more staring at things and telling myself I’ll start when that get’s done. It’s getting done now, and if not, I’m going around it. This life is not going to get any better with me hiding in my misery and telling myself that outside things are the reason. Today, I’m taking the time to do shit I’ve been putting off. Building up my positive vibes and pushing forward.

I want to take a nap. That must be my cue to turn up the music.

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6 thoughts on “Where I am, is not where I intend to stay

  1. Dawn, I loved this. So much of what you said felt like I was reading my own journal from various times in my life. I think you are so right about how yes– it’s good to take time to retreat and regroup but then you can get caught in that hole and decide it’s better not to come back out. But you have to.

    It sounds like you’ve been through some real shit. But it also sounds like you’re really working towards making life what you want it to be, and that’s awesome. I love the attitude in your last paragraph 🙂

    1. Thank you thank you Aussa. I’m feeling a little bit lost these days…long strange emotional year. There is a tad bit of my spirit trying to come back to the surface…I don’t know why it’s been so hard to come back this time around.
      Fortunately I’m not giving up…

  2. I so know what you feel. I really want to stop feeling this way. I was in a good place for a bit, and then something happened and I’m worse than I have ever been. I have a feeling that life is really hard to live, I can’t enjoy it…I want to be back in the good place again.

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