I think I’ve been coming to this conclusion for a while…as slowly as one can for sure, but it’s certainly been poking me here and there. Maybe this idea I have in my head that men only see me as an object of their own dirty fantasies…isn’t really about them, maybe it’s about me. I have been known, on an occasion, to make the assumption that a relationship isn’t really going to go anywhere, he’s not that into me, so might as well put it into the physical box. Then of course I boo hoo myself and say all the guys want is sex. Um. I wonder, my pretty little princess, if you had given it a chance…maybe it could have been more. I recently told a guy that I was tired of just being every guys dirty little fantasy and nothing more. He told me, he didn’t see me that way, for him it was more. I honestly didn’t see that coming.
The Hunky Stallion kind of messed me up. I’m thinking it may have been a good thing….I’m not waiting for him, I’m not expecting things to go back to they way they were or that he will suddenly come to my door and tell me he only wanted to be the man he thought I deserved. No. I’ve got this relationship where it belongs, a strictly realistic level of acceptance and appreciation. What it has done is change me. Change what I expect. Change what I thought I deserved…I mean what I deep down thought I deserved, not just what I said I deserved. It messed me up for sure…but I’m glad it did.
I’m not hiding anymore. I’m not sitting at home avoiding the world and feeling sad. No. However, I did realize that I just don’t have that little fire burning inside allowing me to be joyous and truly happy. The death of my puppy has changed me too. As with any loss…it changes you a bit. If you are lucky, it changes you for the better. If you are lucky, you wake up and learn to embrace life in more positive ways. Even though I’ve been that kind of person as long as I can remember, I do know I’ve been holding on to some negative thinking for awhile about those things I don’t have. Focus on what you don’t have, you keep getting reminded of what you don’t have. I get that…boy oh boy do I get that. Time to turn the focus back on how lucky this bitch really is.
This year I’ve gone through a lot of changes. My friend asked me the if I felt like I had hit ‘rock bottom’ and I was coming out of that. I don’t know if it’s that…I’ve been there in the past. Rock bottom feels like hopelessness…and that is not what I’m feeling. I did fall…deep…but I think I managed to acknowledge it soon enough to keep me from hitting bottom. This time I don’t have as far to climb to get out…but I’ve got to climb. It’s time to stop feeling so comfortable in this misery and shake it off.
“Pour yourself a drink, put on some lipstick and pull yourself together.” Liz Taylor
Thanks Liz…I think that’s just what I’m going to do.