I am finally finally finally feeling like myself again. Nothing has changed for me really. I’m still working at the same shit job, my puppy is still gone, and there is still no special someone in my life. Even so, I’m feeling free and whole and alive again. It’s like I’ve finally started to fully accept what is and embrace it all completely.
My life is constantly flowing…sometime it’s calm and smooth, sometimes it’s wild and turbulent. Sometimes I get this wild surge of energy and get motivated to get things done, to get out and take the world by the balls and ride it hard. Then I get this tiny hint of self doubt and I pull back and hide behind fear. This ebb and flow follows every aspect of my life. Take for instance choosing paint colors for the house. I pick a bold lively color for a room…get all excited, love it and rejoice in my act of fearlessness, then comes the next room…I chose something safe and boring. Shit. Why can’t I live every moment with that same excitement and freedom? Who knows. Pick any part of my life, men, nutrition, exercise, parenting, it’s in everything. When it creeps in, I try to acknowledge it and choose the bold…I’m not always successful. I keep trying.
In my most recent explorations into self awareness in regards to love and relationships, I came to realize that I’m not afraid of getting my heart broken. I’m not afraid of being rejected. By no means does that mean that I like it, or want it…I’m just not afraid of it. What I am afraid of is shutting down and giving up. That scares the shit out of me. So I try and try to remember that as long as I have breath…I have another chance. Another chance to do it right, or not. Another chance to experience something new, or something like before. Whatever comes my way I’m open and ready to the experience, the lessons and see just where it’s going to take me. When I take a good look back, at all the “relationships” I’ve had these last few years, I see so much growth and awareness in me. I am not where I want to be, and yet I am a long long way from where I used to be. I believe in love…and I believe it is out there for me. There is no way I’m giving up on it because I’m afraid to get my heart broken again. Fuck that shit…I’m too tough a chick to let that happen.
This weekend has been filled with beautiful blue skies and sunshine. I love that…even if its cold as hell, I step outside and breath in the cold crisp air and turn my face towards the sun. I am alive. I am grateful! Today I choose bold, tomorrow maybe I chose safe and boring. What keeps me moving is that I know I’ll never be stuck too long in either of those choices that I forget that this is life…and I am embracing it fully and completely.