I was reading a blog recently about losing a friend over something they shared. The truth is this guy is a good guy, and he isn’t the kind of person who would just tear someone apart…but he shares his own perspective and his own thoughts. Most people know, writing is a healing experience, especially if you are trying to work through something painful.
It got me thinking about what I share and how much of it I share with those who take the time to read this crap. Truth is, I don’t share everything. I lady has to keep a little bit of mystery. Besides…I know for sure that someone, probably a lot of you, would judge me harshly if I revealed certain things. So I keep a lot of things from the masses…and some things I keep completely to myself. For me, it’s a good balance.
The other day someone visited and read a ton of my shit. I have no idea who it was, or where they came from…but it got me thinking. Who the hell would be that interested in all my garbage to read so much of it…and not make one comment? Is it someone I know? I wondered if it was the Hunky Stallion. He knows of my blog, but I’m not sure it would ever search it out to see what I write about. However it did make me go back and look at the things I’ve written just to see if I would be completely embarrassed if he knew how I felt. If it was him, I wonder if he thinks I’m a complete mental case. I wonder if he think to himself “glad I dodged that crazy bullet” Then I think…why would I give a shit.
I haven’t written anything on here I wouldn’t tell someone face to face. That is, anyone who gave a shit or bothered to ask. The things I write here aren’t any more open and honest than I would be to anyone who wanted to know. I’m an open book. So the bottom line is…if it was him, and it scared him, then so be it. Truth is truth…and I’m not apologizing for being honest. If it wasn’t him…if it was just some random stranger, well, I hope you find something better to do with your downtime than run through the crazy ramblings of a 40 something chick just trying to figure out life.
This isn’t about putting my stuff on display to get sympathy or to be judged. It’s about sharing and connecting and feeling like I’m not alone. I’ve been fortunate enough to find out that there are more people out there like me and it’s nice knowing that sometimes working through whatever garbage I have going on in my head helps someone else work through theirs. Truth be told, if I knew that no one in my personal life read this, I might share more, but for now the stories I tell here, I would tell you over coffee or drinks, if you were genuinely interested.
I have another blog. It started out as a way to keep in touch with family and friends. It turned into more when my marriage started to fall apart. I shared a lot of details of my pain with complete strangers. I shared it with my husband and with my mother. Neither of them were too pleased by what they read. In my ever optimistic mind, I was hoping that reading how I felt would help them understand me better and would ultimately bring us closer. It did not. Neither of them were interested in understanding anything and took what I said and made it ugly and even more painful. So when it was time to start this new chapter of my life I chose to start a new blog, and be a little more selective with whom I shared it. I don’t ever want to hurt anyone by sharing my feelings…but I also don’t want them used against me.
Anyway…Maybe I share too much. Maybe I should share more. Right now I feel completely comfortable sharing what I do, and if you were to bring it up to me in person, I would be more than happy to share more.