After my divorce I decided to continue counseling with the same therapist. After years and years of not getting what I wanted in my marriage, I wanted to be sure I wouldn’t make the same mistakes going forward. With every session I would go on about what I wanted. In almost every session he would say “You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you just might find, you get what you need.” Sometimes, I just wanted to punch him in the face…most times it shifted me right back to where I needed to be.
As the year quickly rolls to a close, I guess I could go on and on about all the things that have gone wrong this last year. All the heartbreak and stress. The betrayals and misunderstandings. I could sit here and count one bad thing after another…and most of you would completely understand. I’m sure most of you would be all “aw you poor thing”. However, that’s not what I’m going to do. That’s not who I am. I’m not a lament-er of pain and anguish, there just isn’t any reason to spend time counting the mistakes and misfortune again and again. They have all been noted, accepted and in some cases, appreciated.
Another year and I’m still in one piece. I’ve been able to pay my bills, keep the house from falling down, fixed some things I’ve never done before. My kids are happy and healthy and still have two parents that love them completely. Help has come when I’ve needed it…sometimes I’ve had to ask, and sometimes it was just given. I’ve gained new friends and new experiences and learned a little more about myself. I have not always gotten what I wanted, but I have exactly what I need. There is nothing at all to regret.
These last few weeks have been filled with reminders about what I have been neglecting for myself. There were many reasons I chose to get a divorce, one of the main reasons was that I was losing myself to the needs to someone else. Having the freedom to do and be exactly what I was intended is a wonderful gift…if you accept the challenge. I don’t think I’ve fully accepted that yet. For many many years I was swallowed up by what other people wanted me to be, needed me to be, for them. Most of my time was spent trying to please them, and still find space to be myself. Now I don’t have to fight for my place…it’s all mine. I’ve been lazy with that opportunity. Too many years of fighting for myself and now there is no one to fight against, so I’ve been fighting myself instead. It’s not easy to change years and years of conditioning…but thankfully, it’s not impossible.
Time to find that drive and motivation for myself, without the fighting. It’s been a challenge, but one I am most confident I can overcome.