The last few days have brought me around to a new sense of calm. I’m truly feeling more like myself than I have in a long time. After going back and rereading some of my entries over the last few months I started to feel an overwhelming sense of embarrassment. Who the hell was that highly emotional crazy person??? For the love of all that is holy…It’s no wonder the Hunky Stallion didn’t want any part of me. Women wonder why men are they way they are…well we scare the shit out of them.
I started thinking about why I had such a hard time letting go. Looking back I realized we had about 6 weeks of something…and I’ve drug this shit out for months. Promising space and understanding…and not giving either. Mourning, grieving for something that wasn’t there. I’m going to chuck it all up to 6 months of hormones…or maybe I was taken over by aliens. Whatever it was, it’s gone, thank the stars.
Although I am a little embarrassed by my actions and my (drama) I can’t regret was I did or what happened. My feelings were real. My pain was genuine. My actions were not exactly honorable…but they are most certainly something that I can learn from. There is no going back and changing anything…the past is the past the moment is gone the opportunity that was there is there no longer. Thankfully I’m pretty damn good at learning from my mistakes. That is not to say I won’t make them again, but I’ll be for damn sure not make them for as long as I did this time.
No regrets. The embarrassment is all mine and that too will fade. My future “breakups” will have this little ditty to thank when I let it to go when it’s time. I guess when all is said and done, I needed this mess to get me straight. Tell me where I might need to focus a little. I’m ok. He’s ok (well I don’t really know, but I would guess he is). Everything is really ok.
Next…who knows, but I won’t be taking the crazy bitch with me.