Since I’ve been on the free site I’ve gotten a lot of interest. Some reasonably attractive men and all of them of a more appropriate age. I’ve struck up a few conversations. Given my phone number out to 3 of them, and have two dates set up, sort of. All and all it’s been exactly what I was hoping it would be…Except for one small thing. Me.
For some reason…I’m just not getting into it. The men have all been interesting, respectful and engaging. One asked me out for this weekend, I said next weekend would be better. It’s not any better than this weekend. There is no legitimate reason why I shouldn’t accept this offer and meet him this weekend…except that I don’t want to.
One gentleman wanted to talk on the phone “later”…I said sure. The phone rang 5 mins later. I didn’t answer. I listened to the voice mail where he said he only had about 30 mins before he was going out, then he messaged me online. I told him I had a slight crisis and that I would call him after he got back. There was no crisis, and I didn’t call.
The third one is nice. We’ve been texting the last two days. He asks good questions to get to know me better. I’m finding I don’t really have any interest. If he never texted me again, I’d be fine with it.
It’s me. I get that. Somewhere in my silly little brain I’m scared as shit. Scared to get my heart broken? Probably not. Scared to find something wonderful…Yeah, that sounds more like my fucked up logic. I find myself thinking that there was something to be said for being attracted to emotionally unavailable men. It’s familiar and we all like things that are familiar I know.
At this point, I wish I wouldn’t have started this. At least three times I’ve thought I should just hide my profile and forget about this. I wish I had just been content where I was and just left things alone. It’s obvious I’m not ready. Or at least I don’t feel like I’m ready. Seriously this shit pisses me off…and I don’t want to feel like this.
It may have something to do with the Hunky Stallion. I may still be a little hung up on this guy. Don’t get me wrong, I know he’s probably not coming back, and I know even if he did, it will never be what I thought it was. However, this guy came out of nowhere and was completely unexpected. I started with no expectations for anything more than the usual short term physical relationship. For some reason opened myself up, I let him in. My walls were starting to slowly crumble…then it was over.
To be completely honest…I don’t know if I’m looking for what we had in the beginning, only more long term, or if I’m still hoping he comes back. Maybe I still don’t believe I deserve any better than the little pieces of romance I’ve been getting. Maybe I really don’t want someone in my life…maybe I’m too comfortable in single life to really be open to a real relationship.
Right this moment…I want to hide.