I’m really good at giving advice. A lot of people think they are, but really, I am good at it. I’m caring, empathetic, supportive and direct. What I am not good at is taking it, especially my own. Please don’t get me wrong…It’s not an all the time thing, I do essentially try to live what I speak. Sometimes….sometimes I fail miserably.
It’s not that I think the advice is wrong…quite the opposite. Most often it’s spot on. It’s also not that I don’t already KNOW what the right thing to do is…but I spend way t0o much fucking time alone, thinking, and that is never ever a good combination.
One hormone filled night alone, with a cocktail…and I text the Hunky Stallion. I miss him. I know I know…whatever. Immediately I feel like an idiot. I wish I could just grab that fucking message right out of the air and destroy it. I’ve promised myself, and him, to let it go. Truth is…I’m trying. Doesn’t stop me from missing him. Doesn’t stop me from thinking a part of him misses me. That could be the booze talking. Or the hormones. Or both.
There is no response. I didn’t think there would be. So I text the next morning. I’m trying to let go, I still need more time. Yes yes I can hear the collective sighs from you all as you shake your head…This shit sucks. I get it, especially since there has been no closure. Fuck. Still no response…Surprise! No.
I had two dates set up for today. Neither of them is giving me any real excitement, but I know that I need to get my ass out there and at least TRY give the shit a chance. I don’t want to. I don’t want any of it. All I really want is to give up the idea of having any relationship at all and just be content alone.
Me: “Fuck this shit”
Friend: “which shit?”
Me: “Men…and my desire to have one”
Yeah. Hormones. Fuck them too. So I cancelled my lunch date. Really really didn’t want to go. Nice guy and all, but not interested and don’t want to drag it out. So far I’ve kept the dinner date, but switched it from dinner to just grabbing a drink. All I’ve thought about all day (besides what a dumbfuck I was for texting the stallion) was if I should just cancel this one too. I’m trying not too. The only way to get over fear is to do the thing you fear most. I fear falling for another man…who cannot/will not choose to be with me.
This seems to be a reoccurring theme with me. Not being content where I am, making a decision to change it, then regretting the change. Why on earth can’t this smart savvy chick learn to just be content?? 5 more months of this shit. Someone help me. No, forget that…I need to learn this one all on my own.