I’m sad. Not bursting in to tears sad…but a deep seeded heartbroken kind of sad. I’m sick of it, seriously. Thankfully I can still have a good time, still smile and enjoy the company I’m with. It’s those quiet moments alone that I feel it the most. Music isn’t helping. Keeping busy isn’t helping. Opening myself up to a new relationship isn’t working. I’m so fucking sick of it…I hope this is the final stage.
The new guy came over on Christmas day. My friend got a chance to meet him and gave me the thumbs up. He brought me wine and firewood, and a gift from his vacation. I suggested we take our wine into the other room and enjoy a fire. This was my opportunity to let him know where I was at. I didn’t shy away from being honest about where I was in my search for a relationship. He completely understood. We had a very nice conversation…but I can tell he is holding back a bit. Can’t exactly put my finger on it, but he did say he had learned some things with other women and he was making an effort to not make the same mistakes with me. I told him I was never really sure what happened with all the other men in my life, so I continue to just be 100% myself and hope to find someone who can accept it all.
He came and sat close to me…this was my opportunity to see if there was any spark. I made the first move. To be completely honest, I was looking for something that would help me get over missing the hunky stallion and those delicious kisses. I poured myself into the moment…not wanting to focus on how it was not the same, but how it could still fill that missing part. The kissing was not compatible. I thought he was going to eat my face. My counselor once told me not to put too much importance on the kissing…that men could be taught to do better in that area. So I didn’t let it stop me from moving forward.
It didn’t happen. I won’t go into the details but to say there was no sex, and I cried. He apologized and I felt like a complete asshole. He was very sweet about the whole thing. He asked me about the tears…and I told him, my last relationship was extremely passionate. He assured me…he too was very passionate. It was just not going to happen that night.
It was nice to be held. It was nice to be kissed. This was not going to be a deal breaker, even though in the past I would have completely run the other way. I’m a big believer in passion…something I did not have with my ex and that I promised myself I would not live without again. I believe this guy is worth a chance and I’m not going to just give up on it because there were no fireworks. This is my opportunity to try something a little different, and dare I say it, be mature.
The sadness…has to go. It will eventually I know that…once it’s run its course.