In this moment…

I’m sad.  Not bursting in to tears sad…but a deep seeded heartbroken kind of sad.  I’m sick of it, seriously.  Thankfully I can still have a good time, still smile and enjoy the company I’m with.  It’s those quiet moments alone that I feel it the most.  Music isn’t helping.  Keeping busy isn’t helping. Opening myself up to a new relationship isn’t working.  I’m so fucking sick of it…I hope this is the final stage.

The new guy came over on Christmas day.  My friend got a chance to meet him and  gave me the thumbs up.  He brought me wine and firewood, and a gift from his vacation.  I suggested we take our wine into the other room and enjoy a fire. This was my opportunity to let him know where I was at.  I didn’t shy away from being honest about where I was in my search for a relationship.  He completely understood.  We had a very nice conversation…but I can tell he is holding back a bit.  Can’t exactly put my finger on it, but he did say he had learned some things with other women and he was making an effort to not make the same mistakes with me.  I told him I was never really sure what happened with all the other men in my life, so I continue to just be 100% myself and hope to find someone who can accept it all.

He came and sat close to me…this was my opportunity to see if there was any spark.  I made the first move.  To be completely honest, I was looking for something that would help me get over missing the hunky stallion and those delicious kisses.  I poured myself into the moment…not wanting to focus on how it was not the same, but how it could still fill that missing part.  The kissing was not compatible.  I thought he was going to eat my face.  My counselor once told me not to put too much importance on the kissing…that men could be taught to do better in that area.  So I didn’t let it stop me from moving forward.

It didn’t happen.  I won’t go into the details but to say there was no sex, and I cried.  He apologized and I felt like a complete asshole.  He was very sweet about the whole thing.  He asked me about the tears…and I told him, my last relationship was extremely passionate.  He assured me…he too was very passionate.  It was just not going to happen that night.

It was nice to be held.  It was nice to be kissed.  This was not going to be a deal breaker, even though in the past I would have completely run the other way.  I’m a big believer in passion…something I did not have with my ex and that I promised myself I would not live without again.  I believe this guy is worth a chance and I’m not going to just give up on it because there were no fireworks.  This is my opportunity to try something a little different, and dare I say it, be mature.

The sadness…has to go.  It will eventually I know that…once it’s run its course.

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9 thoughts on “In this moment…

  1. Your not ready…. there is something living inside you that needs to manifest and it probably has not a thing to do with having, getting a man! Find your passion in something for YOURSELF then a passionate man will show-up! Don’t settle… there will be issues in that! However, get some practice discerning what is healthy for you and what isn’t. Save yourself! A man won’t save you… it’s a myth and inappropriate one for all involved.

    1. I don’t believe a man can save me. I’m not looking to be completed by having a relationship…I was, and am good with myself and who I am. However I agree…I’m not ready. Unfortunately I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to let someone in if I don’t at least try to accept what’s being offered…I know too well how easy it is to be content alone. What I do fear is that contentment will create walls that will make it harder in the long run.
      xo

      1. My point, I think you are really special, and there is something to your writing… And you are consistent, disciplined… I am doing to hear more from you on other topics in your life!

  2. I’m so sorry Dawn 😦 I think that it can be worth a shot to give a man more time to create passion in a relationship. The most straight-out-the-gate passionate relationships I’ve had have been the most exhausting and ultimately destructive. I think that when you put in the work to build it up then you have something self sustaining. Who knows. I hope this sadness passes soon…

    1. Thank you. I think it’s moving out…I had a good cry and let it out to a friend.
      I agree with building the passion…We’ll see what happens next. If crying on the third date doesn’t make this guy run…he’s certainly worth giving a chance.

  3. Do you think it’s a good idea to put the responsibility of making you feel better on him? My friend told me that the best cure for a broken heart and for the whole saddness is to take it as it comes, and wait until it goes away and not trying to push it away and getting into some other relationships etc. Not sure if it makes sense, but to me it does.

    1. I absolutely 120% agree with you. It’s exactly what I discussed with my friend yesterday. I do not want to make him responsible for making me feel better… And I agree with your friend as well.
      I acknowledge that I jumped back into the dating pool too soon…I told him that. However, the Universe sent this very sweet man to me. Now it’s my turn to show up as an adult and let this man, who thinks I’m worth the effort, have my full attention. For better or worse, this is where I am right now…and I need to be fully present.
      I may fuck it up royally…who knows.
      Thank you so much for your comment…it was an affirmation.

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