Why yes I did just roll my eyes…

Dear Beautiful Bangs of Seduction, (bangs of seduction??? what the hell is that???)

Like a message in a bottle, I send this Your way not knowing if I will ever receive its reply. (I wonder how long till you toss another bottle if I choose not to respond?)

However, Your glamour entices me.

As this may seem impulsive, I simply wanted to show some sincere initiative. For You look like a million dollars: Yours, Paradise Indeed, is a supreme beauty that appears so naturally; Your subtle, yet stunning smile bedazzles and radiates such a ladylike charm; (did he skip over the part where I mention I swear a lot?) Your inducing allure of Sex is insatiably something that, quite frankly, I cannot ignore, and would like to address with You.

These characteristics I admire of You, (that would be the characteristic of having had sex in my lifetime and stating such?)as I would not forgive myself if I didn’t ask if You’d like to get to know each other. For I share Your affinity towards Intimate Romance, and aspire to earn my place in Your bed & those Red Velvet Pants. (Unfortunately I’ve had enough offers to get into my pants…even if they weren’t as well written as this.)

Happy New Year,

N****

So ladies…if you want to get lovely messages like this one, or even one’s just a little less fluffy, just mention sex.  You’ve had sex and plan to have it again in the future.  You will have to weed through a lot of bullshit, but at least you’ll be entertained.

Don’t get me wrong…I appreciate the effort in this message.  Most certainly stands out from all the others.  What I do not appreciate is that is solely focused on my looks and sex.  I have 6 fucking paragraphs describing me…6 fucking paragraphs. The sex one is right in the middle.  No comment on any of the other crap?  Me thinks this gentleman wants to bed me…and nothing more.

No thank you.

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