Tough decisions…

Since I’ve been single, there have been 3 men that I’ve had a real honest connection with.  Three different men, all different connections but all made me just light up inside just to talk to them let alone to spend time with them.  There was something more than just a physical attraction…there was excitement to just be together.

None of them lasted long, granted.  They were all very different from each other in just about every way but they all made me feel alive and passionate in and out of the bedroom.  So for me, it’s not just about the sex, it’s about the connection outside the bedroom…the shit that makes a relationship real and fulfilling.  I know it’s out there, I know I can have it with a man.  I also know, it is just not there with this new guy.

We had our 4th date, movie and dinner.  Once again, I didn’t want to do it.  I’m just not excited in the least to see this guy.  Of course I’ve been working through my own shit, and I’m trying to not make it about missing someone else.  I’m trying to give this nice guy a chance on his own merit and not putting him up against the ghost of relationships gone.  Although it’s not been the easiest thing to do, I have been able to put my feelings of loss on the back burner to just be with this guy.

At first, I thought he was holding back when he would just look at me without saying a word.  I’m beginning to believe he really just doesn’t have anything to say.  I’m a talker…I’ve always found that it draws people out and makes them more open to discussion.  Before you say it, yes, it doesn’t work for everyone but it does work for a lot and usually works for guys that are interested.  There is something about feeling comfortable to talk about anything, that is one of my strengths…making people feel comfortable.  Unless, of course they don’t want to.

At least 4 times I found myself at a loss for what to say…because there was little to no response.  He would just stare without saying a word. I would stare back, keeping my mouth shut, giving him the opportunity to say something. It doesn’t take long before it gets awkward and uncomfortable. On several occasions the only thing that would come out of his mouth was “I don’t know”.  After awhile I would prod him for more…what? What don’t you know? Come on dude, I can’t read your mind and I can’t carry this conversation on my own all night.

He’s got some medical issues going on.  It’s troubling for him.  Ok.  Is that it?  Is that the problem? I explained to him that it doesn’t scare me off…that is not a problem for me at this time.  However, not being able to talk, that is a huge fucking problem for me.  He told me he was glad his “issue” didn’t make me run…I laughed and told him there were probably 10000 other things that would make me run, THAT was not one of them.  Just as I cannot sit there with him and compare him to someone else, he cannot just sit there and hide behind issues that he has no control over. We are there, together, to enjoy what we have in that moment.

He enjoys my company.  He says he never knows what to expect from me and he enjoys that. It is not his responsibility to make me feel better about my heartbreak over the Stallion.  It is not my responsibility to make him feel better about his issues.  You have to show up! Be there and be open.  Despite everything that I’ve been feeling, I’ve been there with him…open and ready. It’s just not there.  Not one little spark of anything that makes me want to spend one more min with him.

I know, he would do anything for me. I know that he would be the guy to come fix the shit around the house, cook for me, make sure I was never out of wine and probably give me foot rubs if I asked.  He would be that guy, and he would be happy to do them just to spend time with me.  That’s nice, and for some women I know that would be enough. I, am not looking for that.  I don’t need a lap dog who only wants to please me.  My ex was like that, to some degree, and eventually not having the passion and intimacy and excitement of just being together made us both resentful and bitter.  I’m not going to do that again.

If I end it now, he is going to think it’s his medical issue. I’m sure of that. Even if the sex was earth shattering…not being able to carry on a comfortable conversation outside the bedroom is going to doom this regardless. I feel like I have to hang in just a little longer to show him that I’m not running for the wrong reason, or at least not for THAT reason.

Would be nice to have a man’s perspective on this.  Any volunteers?

****Update**** I have thought about this and decided that I cannot stick it out.  That wouldn’t be fair to him, nor would it be fair to me.  More details about that to come.

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2 thoughts on “Tough decisions…

  1. Yeah…. Don’t stick it out!!! I am so glad you got to that conclusion. Have you ever wondered if keeping up with this big may be the very thing that is keeping you from getting on with your life? If you like writing, how about writing about more than just finding a man? I get the sense writing about the same thing could be keeping you from moving forward with a life for yourself. Finding your own passion, hobbies will bring a life you love with or without a man. Then the right people show up and want to be a part of your inner circle. Good luck, you deserve a great life and someone to share it with…

    1. This was my journey for 2013. I’ve had a lot of revelations these last few weeks. Update to come shortly.
      Thank you for your comments and your support!! xo

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