Not very long after writing the last post about the new guy, I realized that it didn’t really matter if he thought I was leaving for his issues or not. The truth is I am just not ready to start a new relationship…with anyone. I made the decision I was going to end it without investing any more of his time and effort, or mine. Then the guilt set in. How was I going to do it? When was I going to do it. Today I reached out to a friend and asked…Do it now.
It’s done. He was kind. It’s now over…and I feel so very relieved. The last 24 hours I’ve spent clearing my head and making sure that I wasn’t just running away, but that I honestly truly did not want this in my life. What I realized is that over the last year most of my time was spent trying to have something that wasn’t going to happen or distracting myself from how I was feeling about it. Not a moment was spent healing and taking care of myself. I did not give myself time to feel anything other than confusion…and it did not make for a very good year. I knew that had to change.
Seeking a relationship now was just my way of distracting myself again. There was no way I was going to be open to anything genuine when I was doing nothing but hiding from myself. I need a man break. It was time to really stop thinking about a relationship or having a man in my life. And truthfully, is there anything more sexy that a woman who doesn’t NEED a man to make her happy?? I cringe at the things I’ve put off this year trying so hard to have something else. No more of that shit. It’s done. In that spirit I also deleted my online dating profile.
Yesterday I looked in the mirror and I saw a tired and sad reflection. It wasn’t pretty. At that moment I realized that what I was feeling on the inside was starting to show up on the outside. Ew…blech. Nothing like having ugly feelings show up on your face. That’s gross.
I’ve put a lot of things to rest this year. Of course, most of them have been only in the last moments of this year…but better late than never. I’m ready to face the new year with a new and positive outlook. No more searching for something outside myself for fulfillment. I have all I need right here…when I’m not doing everything in my power to avoid it.
New year = more fun, more self love (batteries not included) and more time focused on those things that will attract the right things into my life. I’m not asking for anything anymore…I’m going to start doing more and giving more.
Things I plan on doing in 2014:
Have more fun…classes, concerts, friends or whatever.
New tattoo…at least one, maybe two, possibly a new piercing too.
More pictures…seriously at some point I’m going to need reminders of this shit.
More letting go…of negative feelings and stuff, damn I got a lot of stuff.
More physical activity…I bought a bike rack for a reason, and this belly fat ain’t going to fall off on it’s own.
More reading…I’ve missed reading.
Ok…I’m sure I could add more, but I think you get the point. Live a life worth writing about. That’s what I’m going to do!!