When I made the decision to cut things off with the new guy…I obviously did a lot of soul searching first. One does not make a decision without first over-thinking things through…at least not THIS one. Although I have been know to make impulse decisions at times…I am usually one to think before I jump. Especially when I’m not sure if it’s fear or something else. Haha…who am I kidding, I over-think everything.
I knew it was too soon for me to jump back online. Something tells me that really isn’t the venue for me anyway. It’s true, I’ve met some decent men on there…but for some reason I don’t think I’m using it properly, or maybe I’m just a romantic at heart and want things to happen more organically. For me, it felt like I was forcing something to happen, when I really have no fucking clue what I really want. After 4 years divorced, you’d think I’d be more in line with my relationship needs. Truth is, I admit, I play with the idea of a long term relationship, but I’m not committed to it. If you aren’t committed, you won’t find it.
When I think about the things I want to accomplish this year…they are all about me and my kids. There was nothing on the list that included a relationship. At least, nothing that I was willing to rearrange in order to open up and allow one in. I still like my alone time, although I don’t really like how much of it I have sometimes. That being said, I want to work on and develop my friendships more. Really folks, when all is said and done, your friends are the one’s who really stick by you…especially when the men don’t.
During those times I was focused on a man (which I admit was almost the whole fucking year), I was Un-focused on myself. I got so wrapped up in it and him that I neglected myself and my kids. Not in any earth shattering abandonment sort of way…but I did not take care of myself or my kids. That in itself tells me I’m not ready to bring a person into this life of mine. I first need to be fully committed to the betterment of myself and my children before I can bring a relationship into the mix. A good healthy loving relationship needs to fit into my life, not become my focus.
I believe completely that the Universe will send me the love of my life…when I’m ready for it. Not a moment before. I also believe that will happen only after I fully love the life I have…sans the man. There are a lot of people out there that may think I’m foolish…or flaky, I’m ok with that, really. The truth is, I’ve been shown over and over again that the Universe is working with me…and not against me. It is only when I abandon the path, stop having faith, fight instead of flow…that things fall apart. Oops I did it again, shit, back to square one.
I’ve said many times that I am looking for a man who is NOT focused on my looks or my sexuality. It’s hard to find that man when that’s really all you’re bringing to the table. In me, are the makings on one damn fine woman. The whole package. There is confidence and adventure deep inside of me, but I have a tendency to only allow those parts to surface momentarily…and they need to be a bigger presence. Those, to name just a few, are the qualities I want a man to fall in love with. This means those are the things I need to nurture for myself…
The sadness I was feeling has gone, for the most part. Letting go of what was not working for me has allowed a sense of renewed excitement within me. I’m more focused on the possibilities this new year has to offer me than I have been in a very long time. Maybe it’s a little hokey or cliche…but I’m going to grab it with both hands and run with it. Well, maybe not run, I don’t really like to run. I think maybe I’m just going to hold this feeling of excitement close to my heart and nurture it. Yeah, that sounds way better than running.