Blah…

I’m bitter.  You have no idea how much I hate that.  It’s not me.  It’s now who I am…until now.  I wish it was a like a dirty shirt that I could just take off and throw out.  I don’t know if I need a complete breakdown, or what, but something has got to change.

In 12 days I will turn 44.  In 15 days I will have been officially divorced for 4 years.

The only thing I can wrap myself around is that at least I didn’t fall apart completely.  Mostly I’ve been standing on my tippy toes with my face barely above water.  I’m surviving…that’s about it.

Over these last four years I’ve gone through a lot.  I’ve embrace being single for the first time in 20 years, embraced single parenthood, embraced the idea of not being in a relationship, embraced the idea of having a relationship.  I’ve done things I’ve never done, built some confidence, lost my way, found it…then lost it again. I’ve been the only one on the dance floor and I’ve sat in my seat wishing I had the courage to get out on the dance floor.  I’ve cried, laughed, puked and spent way to many sleepless nights, all trying to sort through my feelings.

If I really look around I can see how far I’ve come, and yet I sit here and wonder why it feels like I haven’t moved a single step.  I feel frozen.  Stuck.

I’ve been here before.  I’ve come through it…and I know I’ll come through it again.  What I don’t want is to be here next year, or God forbid, 4 more years from now.  Something’s got to change.  What?  How?  Shit, I can barely carry myself though a cold winter weekend without feeling like a loser.

I can’t make winter go away sooner.  I can’t make my bank account suddenly become flooded with fortune.  I can’t quit my job and run away.  This change is going to have to come from within, without the warmth of spring, without the money and without a change of scenery.  It’s going to have to happen here, right exactly where I am with what I have, or don’t have…and soon I hope.

Sooo….eh.  I have no idea. I could continue taking baby steps…but I think I’m ready to cannonball in.  Well maybe not exactly ready, but I believe I need to do something bold to jolt me back to life.

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6 thoughts on “Blah…

  1. I was just telling a friend last night that I may be stuck in my mire forever. It’s an awful feeling. I guess I am trying to cope by noticing the variations in the day and the week. I noticed once last week for about a half hour I felt happy for the first time in two and a half years. It lasted one half hour.
    I don’t know what to say except I understand the frustration, the loneliness, and the sadness. Hang in there.

  2. I think this winter is just slaying any hope or ambition that most of us have. Seriously. I feel like everyone I read and the people I interact with on a daily basis have all been knocked down a few notches on the happy scale.

    That being said… keep on keepin’ on Dawn. I think that sometimes we feel like we are sitting stagnant in the same place simply because we’re too close to the situation and can’t see the progress we’re making. At least, in my experience it seems that way… like, one day I just suddenly realize that somewhere along the way things changed. They got better. I changed.

    I’m not opposed to things that jolt you back to life, as long as it’s not a self-destructive jolt. Hang in there, keep your chin up!

  3. I know all too well that feeling of despair of loosing your way, finding it and loosing it again. The fact that you realise that the change has to be within is half the battle won already. And the fact that you acknowledge that you are bitter is the first to the freedom you so long for. Keep on fighting for what is your birthright – true happiness. Bitterness.. I have been there so many times than I care to remember, but now I’ve really just learned how ride that wave. I wrote about my journey here

    http://marshy-marsh-mellows.blogspot.com/2014/01/this-life-is-mine-ode-to-self.html

    We’re in this together.
    Peace

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