Today is my birthday. Yes, Valentine’s Day.
Anyway, here I am alone another year. All my own doing of course, but I’m really not liking it at all. This last week has had me reflecting on the reasons I can’t seem to find someone who wants to share a life with me, or vise verse for that matter. It’s been a roller coaster of emotions over the last few years, and yet I always seem to pick myself back up. I’ve been rejected more often than I have rejected others, and still I manage to put myself out there and give this shit another try.
I know you are wondering, yes…there has been some reflecting on the hunky stallion…how could there not be. The focus has been on the fact that for a short time, I was comfortable and trusted him…I allowed myself to imagine possibilities I had previously let go of. I felt safe being myself, and that in it’self was an amazing feeling. As with any relationship, you aren’t just putting yourself out there, someone else is putting their own self out as well. Then there was that moment…I got caught up in my own feelings and jump the line that sent him running for cover, never to fully return.
I’ve beat myself up a little bit about this, and of course I mentally beat him up as well. For me, I know, that if he had opened his big fat mouth and said “slow down there slick” I would have easily stepped back into our comfortable little romance. That didn’t happen. Once you push someone’s fear button, you cannot undo it just by taking your finger off of it. Only they can do that, and he couldn’t. Unfortunately this lead me to wondering if I might fall back into old thought patterns of not trusting myself, trusting relationships, and my all to familiar habit of self sabotage. What I came to realize was that this is not the first time this has happened, and it may not be the last. In the end, and what I’m grateful for, is that I always manage allow myself the opportunity to take a chance, open up and imagine those beautiful possibilities again. When the time comes, I know, I will feel safe again.
I’m not broke.
My life is not ideal. It could certainly use some improvement. What I know is that I still have so much to be grateful for. There are things that I wouldn’t change, and people I’m so very honored to have in my life. Even better, I’m still able to laugh at myself when shit goes wrong…and shit goes wrong all the time. I will not let myself be enveloped by the stupid little things that on a larger scale don’t mean a damn thing.
No lover for me this Valentine’s Day, that’s ok. One day there will be. One day I will look back and be thankful I never gave up, and know that these moments were just leading me to something better.