Dancing with the devil.

I may have mentioned a time or two that my relationship with my mother is not a healthy loving one.  One must understand that it is not that I do not love my mother, but I do not trust her and I do not like the person I am when I am around her.  Over the last few years I found it best to just love her from afar…better for me anyway. She does not see it that way.

How do you embrace someone and let them into your life when all they want is see you fail. If you don’t fail on your own, they will do their best to destroy you by telling you what a hateful and horrible a person you are.  No thank you…after 44 years  I think I have enough ammo to give myself a good mental and emotional beating on my own, I don’t really need any help in that area.

I am not a victim.

I’ve had some really shitty things happen in my life.  Other’s have had it much worse so by no means do I intend to compare my personal issues with others.  What I am saying is that my life has not been all sunshine and rainbows…Although there are plenty of people who would disagree with that.  People who don’t know the whole story…people who see only what they want to see.  What I don’t do is going around bitching and whining about how horrible my life is.  Even at it’s worse, there were still so many things to be grateful for that by the time I had enough, people were shocked.

I am not a victim.

I was raised by one.  I married one.  I’ve been surrounded by so many of them I can hardly tell them apart.  If I had a bad day, they had a worse day.  You know the type.  No matter what, I had no right to complain…cause they could one up me on each and every level.  So, I keep my shit to myself.  If I need to get it out, I take it to places that are safe…writing is one of those places.

My relationship with my mother for many years was founded on a mutual need to feel like we were victims.  I believed that for way too many years…I believed her when she told me that people were mean to her.  I believed her when she told me that they were the reasons for all of her pain and suffering.  I believed it until I saw the truth.  I forgave a lot of those people for hurting me because I realized that they are only human…and for the most part they are doing the best they know how.  Most of them had absolutely no intention of harming me or her…it was simply the perception of a damaged human being.  A victim.

Once I was awakened to the idea that the world was not that bad…if only you changed your perception, I tried to take my mother with me.  I found a way to live without so much pain.  I found a way to forgive and love.  I was tired of being angry and hurt…and I could only imagine she would welcome the peace that comes with what I had learned.  She did not.  To her, it was a betrayal.

I love my mother.  What I cannot do, is be the person she wants me to be.  There is no way I can go back to thinking like a victim.  I can’t.  I won’t.  It would be so nice if she could come over to my side…let go of the hurt, embrace love.  She’s fighting it.  Who would she be if she was no longer the  victim of her circumstances?  Who would know this proud woman who managed to do so many great things and takes pride in her own accomplishments without reminding you how she did it on the heels of discouragement.  Which, by the way isn’t true.  She had so many people loving and encouraging her along the way.

Honestly I’ve given up any real hope she will ever see me for anything other than what she chooses.  No more do I think that she will let go of her perceived betrayal and embrace that I did what I needed to do for my own personal well being.  I still reach out now and again…Maybe because I need a reminder that she is still where she wants to be, and I am still where I need to be.

I have learned to dance with the devil.  No matter how much stronger I have become…I always come away a little broken.



4 thoughts on “Dancing with the devil.

  1. I’m sorry that your very positive change came with such loss. I’m finding that happens when I grow. It’s hard for those close to you to see the changes and appreciate the new and better you, especially if your change threatens them. I wish you all the best in your resolve.

  2. When I went to the counselling because of my divorce, we went through the relationship with my mum (as mine if far from ideal as well). I was complaining and crying etc, but my counsellor said that we all have fucked up relationships with our parents and that almsot everyone that come to her have some issues in a way or other. I’m glad that you decided to change and escape the toxic rlationship. I had to go to Thailand to do that.

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