Paying attention

This is going to sound a little “off”…and I really hope I can clearly explain myself in the end, but please bare with me.  I’m getting really sick of being told I’m beautiful.  It’s not that I don’t appreciate a compliment, I do.  It’s also not that I think I’m not attractive, or that I don’t think the compliments are sincere.  The problem I have with it personally, is that despite the fact that men find me attractive…I still sleep alone. I still have no lover to call my own…So, thanks, but this whole attractive thing isn’t really working in my favor.  I’ve got a lot to offer and for some reason no one is willing to get close enough to see anything but the packaging.

So, I get a text from the hunky stallion the other day.  I’m pretty sure he was drunk, the message was a little confusing, but the theme was that I am beautiful.  At first I wasn’t going to respond.  It bothered me, so the next morning I basically said that beauty doesn’t really mean much when you don’t have a lover.  Bottom line is that it doesn’t really matter to me if you think I’m pretty or not…if you don’t want to be with me, what’s the point.  Beauty is what draws you initially, but content and emotion is what keeps you coming back, right?  I’m beginning to think that whatever feelings I evoke in men is what’s keeping them away.  

Last night, this came up again with a stranger in a bar.  Some really profound moments can come from random drunken conversations with strangers in a bar.  Anyway, the conversation started with this guy prodding me to go out and dance.  I didn’t feel like it…I used to feel like it, not worrying about anything or anyone, just happy to feel the music and be free.  I don’t feel like it anymore (and seriously that is bothering me a lot).  Next he tells me I’m a very beautiful woman…blah blah blah….and “what are you doing here?” I was out to have a good time with my friend…He told me again how beautiful I was, I told him, “yeah, but I’m going home alone tonight.”  At that point the conversation got a little deeper.   

Me, this drunk stranger, and his lady spent the next hour discussing my current situation.  I told them how there was a time I would not hesitate to be the only one on the dance floor.  How I had been comfortable taking advantage of the occasional one night stand and was happy to not deal with the complications of a relationship.  Then, I met the hunky stallion.  That fucker ruined it for me.  He spoiled me.  He gave me a taste of something beautiful and now I can’t seem to bring myself to settle for less.  Now I’m lost…not really sure what I’m doing anymore. 

Asshole.

Today I was looking at my back family room…and it occurred to me that I’m doing it all wrong.  If you’ve been following my story at all, you know, I believe in signs and in the basic laws of attraction.  You need to live as though you already have the life you want, in order to get the life you want.  I can wrap my head around the concept, although I’m not always sure exactly how to follow it.  When I looked at my family room, I realized, I was waiting for a reason instead of just doing things like I already have a reason.  In simple terms, I have all the ingredients to make a better life, and yet I’m waiting for someone to come in to my life and make it better. I just need to do it.

This has been a very odd week.  It’s also been filled with a lot of little epiphanies. I like that…it wakes me up.  The light at the end of the tunnel is getting bigger and brighter.  

 

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5 thoughts on “Paying attention

  1. I came to a similar point about a year ago, where I realized that I was keeping myself in a holding pattern while waiting for some guy to come along– like I couldn’t start making my life the way I wanted it until I found the person I wanted to make it with. I decided that was bullshit and refocused my efforts. Then I met my boyfriend. #fail. Haha but it worked out. I think it’s a good idea though– you don’t want to hold out on living life the way you want it.

    1. I can totally wrap my head around that whole idea. What get’s me from moving forward is that I feel like I’ve always been alone.
      Only child, married to a man for 17 years and still managed to feel alone.
      I know I have to move forward…It’s my new Me project 🙂

    1. I am good…mind is a little scattered though. Makes it hard to write even a comment let alone the post that is dying to get out of my head.
      Thanks for checking on me…news to follow soon.

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