I have hurt people. Hurt people enough that there really is no turning back, at least not with these people. See, when you spend your life with people who want you to live life on their terms, and you, being the asshole that you are, decide that you would like to live on your own terms…you have betrayed those people in the most horrible way. Simple. You suck.
I’ve talked about my relationships with the two most important people in my life (before the one’s I birthed), my mother and my ex husband. The one who raised me, and the one who was to be my life partner. Both of them share a lot of similar qualities…one of which is the inability to accept and appreciate that everyone has their own path. I have spent a vast majority of my adult life trying to balance my love for them and my need to follow my own path.
Choosing myself, over them and their needs, meant that I could no longer have an active role in their lives. Not that I didn’t try to bring the two worlds together…but, for them in the end it was “my way or the highway”. I finally decided it was time to choose the highway. In doing that I hurt both of them to the point of no repair. That sucks…cause I don’t want them to be hurt, and I don’t want them to see me as someone who has betrayed them. However, the way they choose to see it is not in my control. Still, bottom line, I suck.
It’s not hard to see how these relationships have affected me. I’ve become stubborn. Unwilling to let people in. Unwilling to ask for help. Fuck you, I’ll do it myself. I don’t want to owe you…or be controlled by you. I for sure don’t want to trust you. You won’t get me…not again.
When I look at myself from the outside, I can see how destructive I’m being. I’m taking what those people did, and turning on myself. The only way I can free myself is to let go of years of conditioning and finally open myself up. It’s not easy. I don’t trust. Not myself, not other people. There is a constant battle inside me struggling between protecting myself from ever getting involved in another relationship like those, and the faith that there is someone out there that won’t put me there. It’s exhausting.
I’m slowly chipping away at my walls. They are pretty damn thick. I can see each moment each brick and mortar moment that created that wall. When I realized that I was a good enough person on my own, that wall cracked a little. Each time I stood up to my mother, it cracked a little more. When I ended my marriage so that he and I could both have an opportunity for happier lives, it started to get thinner. There have been many many moments that have weakened that wall….and there have been moments where I’ve feverishly filled in the cracks to keep that wall standing. Sometimes I’m not sure I can survive without that wall. It’s scares the shit out of me to think of me standing there experiencing life and love and happiness without the protection of that wall. THAT is what keeps me from truly moving forward.
It’ a process…it takes time. Those bricks were laid one by one, and they are going to take time to take down. Oh how I would love to take a wreaking ball to that damn wall and knock it into tiny little pieces. I can’t seem to do that…I have to be willing to take it down bit by bit, and not get caught up in the fear of who I will be without it. Deep down I know I will be better…