I may have mentioned before, I’m not very good at being consistent. With anything. I’m working on it…well not really. What I’m really doing is avoiding. I’m pretty fucking good at avoiding. Until the shit knocks me down like a bulldozer…then I’m facing that shit head on.
One of the bad things about spending a lot of time alone, is that you aren’t really alone at all. You get to spend quality time with all the bullshit floating around in your messed up little mind. I do that a lot. Although, recently I used that time to be truly honest with myself and face some tough shit head on. This time, I asked the right questions and got straight about some things I just wasn’t willing to face.
I recently mentioned a lunch date with my mother. Although I know who she really is…I know the demons that she struggles with, she has often accused me of not giving her a chance to prove herself. She stated that she has let go of her anger and become a better person. I was skeptical, but I am also a very trusting and hopeful person. It seems that the only one she’s really fooling, is herself. I wish her luck. I’m done. I’m out. I have nothing left to give. I’m just going to have to love her from a distance. There is no doubt in my mind, I’ve given all I have to give…how often do you have walk through a door only to fall right into a dark and murky cesspool of bitterness and anger, before you decide NOT to walk through that door any more. I’m choosing a different door.
Of course, that’s not the only relationship that isn’t working the way I had hoped. Seems I’ve remained hopelessly attached to a particular person who has been more than clear, he has nothing more to give me. I’m a trusting and hopeful person…and perhaps a bit stubborn as well. What I came to understand, is that this man is not ready or willing to take one step forward and so in order to stay I have to be willing to admit that it may never move from the spot it’s currently stuck on. I have to be willing to let go of any hope that things will be what I want them to be. I can’t let go of that. I am always going to hope that he opens up and let’s me in, and it’s always going to hurt when he doesn’t. That’s not fair to either one of us. So I finally opened up my fat mouth and said…I don’t think I can do this any more. I spent the entire weekend eating and drinking my feeling away.
For months I’ve been promising to quit smoking. There have been numerous times I haven’t really craved a cigarette, but I’ve gone and bought them anyway…and beat myself up immediately after the first puff. One of my biggest fears about quitting is the weight gain. It got me bad the last time, and it scares the crap out of me to think about going through that again. Problem is, I’m gaining weight right now…in between all the huffing and puffing. Looks like I’m going to have to get a little tougher on myself, and get some fucking self control.
I feel fat, lonely and unloved. Well, mostly just fat.
Today’s lesson was all about Love. It came from several different directions and it wasn’t lost on me. Love. I love my mother, but I cannot save her. I would have loved the man, but I can’t make him ready for it. I used to love cigarettes…but now it’s just a reminder of my mistakes. It’s time to love myself enough to embrace the good and take better care of the person who my children love. So now it begins. I’m actually a little excited, and nervous.
I see a lot of tears in my near future. There’s probably going to be a little underlying resentment too. In the end, it’s all about making things better, and that means letting go of everything that isn’t making me happy. My mother, the man, the smokes, the denial, the “feeling” of loneliness, the bullshit stories. All of it has to go. It’s time.
I might even start running…well, maybe not.