The last two weeks have shown me that Love is my lesson. It shows up in every corner of my day and reminds me that I am still rooted too deeply in fear. So in the true spirit of breaking the patterns I’m embracing my lesson and diving deep within to accept and embrace the fear in an effort to understand and finally let it go.
Let it go.
I’ve acknowledged that fear has held me back in a lot of ways. I’ve also had moments of intense bravery and managed to walk right through my fear in order to get to a better place. However, it seems that I haven’t had enough brave moments, or perhaps I’m not embracing them as fully as I should. Whatever it is, will be uncovered eventually, but for now it is time to work on Love and release the fear.
There is something almost magical about opening your mouth and saying out loud what your soul has been aching to say. “I can’t do this anymore.” Saying those words was both freeing and terrifying at the same time. There is that moment you can feel a huge weight has been lifted from you and yet just as quickly you can feel the desire to back peddle and take back those words. I felt that very same way when I finally told my husband I was done. Oh thank God it’s finally out there…oh shit what the fuck did I just do???
One of the ways I’m learning to let go of fear is to face it and stop lying to myself about how it shows up in my words, my actions and my thoughts. When I react to something someone says, that’s fear. When I hide because I don’t want people to know I am hurting, that’s fear. When I continue to do the same thing over and over again that I know isn’t what I want, that is fear. When I am alone with my thoughts and I tell Myself I am unlovable, that is fear.
Love will set you free. I believe that. You must love yourself as you are before you can love someone else. Ok, that makes sense too. Love is the answer. Indeed…but what is the question? Love. It’s all around me reminding me over and over that this glorious journey of life has always about love. The love you give and the love you receive. It’s something that you must learn to give freely and completely without any expectation or demands.
Love begins and ends with me. I must learn to love myself.
So here is the fear that keeps lurking in the pit of my soul.
I am not lovable. I am not good enough. No one will stay.
Ew. On the surface, I know none of that is true. I have been able to prove that again and again….and yet, they still bubble up. So how do I start to turn those crazy fears around?
I’m not lovable. Fuck that, I’m totally lovable. I’m thoughtful compassionate caring and a complete goof-ball. What’s not lovable about that?
I’m not good enough. Good enough for who? That jerk who said you “weren’t long term material”? Or the idiot that thinks it’s better to be alone than be with you? I am totally good enough on my own and completely open to finding someone who is daring enough to just how good I am.
No one will stay. Why would I want to hold on to someone who doesn’t want to stay. If they don’t want to stay, they weren’t meant to stay which means there is room for those who will.
Whew. See how easy it was to turn that shit around. Now…practice practice practice. Next time fear shows up I will acknowledge it, embrace it then smack it on the ass as I escort it out.